You don't dictate my life.
You don't get to make decisions for me.
You don't get to make me feel bad about things.
I am tired of you controlling everything. I am tired of overthinking everything. I am tired of constantly thinking about things that are out of my control. I am tired of working myself up enough to make me sick. I am tired of living life trying to prove my worth.
I hope one day that I can give my life without you. I hope one day that I won't sit in bed and cry over something that is out of my control. I hope one day that I can stop worrying about every little thing. I hope one day my anxiety will be gone
Describing my anxiety to people can be really hard. Some people don't understand it. Some people don't understand why I just can't let things go. Some people don't understand why I overthink everything. Some people don't understand how anxiety can affect my whole life. Some people just don't understand anxiety as a whole.
I don't want to have anxiety, in fact, I hate it.
I hate that this is a part of my life.
Although it doesn't define me, it is a big part of my life.
It has shaped me into the person I am, whether that is a good or a bad thing.
But I am tired of it affecting every little thing. Every choice. Every action. Every relationship.
This is something that a lot of people struggle with, which I keep reminding myself because I know I am not alone.
I am not alone in the fact that I feel weak.
I am not alone in overthinking everything.
I am not alone in the fact that I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep.
I am not alone in the fact that my mind is always racing; thinking of the next thing to do.
I am not alone in the fact that I don't want to let anyone down.
On days where everything seems to be going good, all of a sudden you strike again. You make the day turn for the worse. You make me shut down. You make me ignore those who care about me. You make me just want to lay in bed and do nothing. There are times where I want to do stuff, but physically can't move. Those are the worst days. Because I want to do things but you do not let me get out of bed. Instead, you make me lay there and think about things that don't even matter. Things that won't be relevant a week from now.
So many people try to say get over it, it is not that big of a deal. But anxiety is so much more than that. And it sucks when it causes tension in friendship. So I am sorry to anyone I have hurt because of my anxiety.
So from here on out, my goal is to try to push through the constant anxiety and live life for me. Not for anyone else. To do what makes me happy and to live without fear of the future.
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
- Proverbs 31:25