To My Anxiety, I'm Tired Of You Controlling Everthing

To My Anxiety, I'm Tired Of You Controlling Everthing

I am tired of overthinking everything. I am tired of constantly thinking about things that are out of my control

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You don't dictate my life.

You don't get to make decisions for me.

You don't get to make me feel bad about things.

I am tired of you controlling everything. I am tired of overthinking everything. I am tired of constantly thinking about things that are out of my control. I am tired of working myself up enough to make me sick. I am tired of living life trying to prove my worth.

I hope one day that I can give my life without you. I hope one day that I won't sit in bed and cry over something that is out of my control. I hope one day that I can stop worrying about every little thing. I hope one day my anxiety will be gone

Describing my anxiety to people can be really hard. Some people don't understand it. Some people don't understand why I just can't let things go. Some people don't understand why I overthink everything. Some people don't understand how anxiety can affect my whole life. Some people just don't understand anxiety as a whole.

I don't want to have anxiety, in fact, I hate it.

I hate that this is a part of my life.

Although it doesn't define me, it is a big part of my life.

It has shaped me into the person I am, whether that is a good or a bad thing.

But I am tired of it affecting every little thing. Every choice. Every action. Every relationship.

This is something that a lot of people struggle with, which I keep reminding myself because I know I am not alone.

I am not alone in the fact that I feel weak.

I am not alone in overthinking everything.

I am not alone in the fact that I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep.

I am not alone in the fact that my mind is always racing; thinking of the next thing to do.

I am not alone in the fact that I don't want to let anyone down.

On days where everything seems to be going good, all of a sudden you strike again. You make the day turn for the worse. You make me shut down. You make me ignore those who care about me. You make me just want to lay in bed and do nothing. There are times where I want to do stuff, but physically can't move. Those are the worst days. Because I want to do things but you do not let me get out of bed. Instead, you make me lay there and think about things that don't even matter. Things that won't be relevant a week from now.

So many people try to say get over it, it is not that big of a deal. But anxiety is so much more than that. And it sucks when it causes tension in friendship. So I am sorry to anyone I have hurt because of my anxiety.

So from here on out, my goal is to try to push through the constant anxiety and live life for me. Not for anyone else. To do what makes me happy and to live without fear of the future.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."

  • Proverbs 31:25

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.
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Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

29. Elysian

I want to give you the same feeling that you get in paradise.

30. Curious

And I never want to stop searching for answers.
Cover Image Credit: Favim

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For Camille, With Love

To my godmother, my second mom, my rooted confidence, my support

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views

First grade, March. It was my first birthday without my mom. You through a huge party for me, a sleepover with friends from school. It included dress up games and making pizza and Disney trivia. You, along with help from my grandma, threw me the best birthday party a 7-year-old could possibly want.

During elementary school, I carpooled with you and a few of the neighborhood kids. I was always the last one to be dropped off, sometimes you would sneak a donut for me. Living next door to you was a blessing. You helped me with everything. In second grade, you helped me rehearse lines for history day so I could get extra credit. In 4th grade, you helped me build my California mission.

You and your sister came out to my 6th grade "graduation". You bought me balloons and made me feel as if moving onto middle school was the coolest thing in the entire world.

While you moved away from next door, you were a constant in my life. Going to Ruby's Diner for my birthday, seeing movies at the Irvine Spectrum and just hanging out, I saw you all the time. During these times, you told me about all of the silly things you did with my mom and dad, how my mom was your best friend. I couldn't have had a greater godmother.

In middle school, you pushed me to do my best and to enroll in honors. You helped me through puberty and the awkward stages of being a woman.

Every single time I saw you, it would light up my entire day, my week. You were more than my godmother, you were my second mom. You understood things that my grandma didn't.

When you married John, you included me in your wedding. I still have that picture of you, Jessica, Aaron and myself on my wall at college. I was so happy for you.

Freshmen year of high school, you told me to do my best. I did my best because of you. When my grandma passed away that year, your shoulder was the one I wanted to cry on.

You were there when I needed to escape home. You understood me when I thought no one would. You helped me learn to drive, letting me drive all the way from San Clemente to Orange.

When I was applying to colleges, you encouraged me to spread my wings and fly. You told me I should explore, get out of California. I wanted to study in London, you told me to do it. That's why, when I study abroad this Spring in London, I will do it for you.

When I had gotten into UWT, you told me to go there. I did and here I am, succeeding and living my best in Tacoma. I do it for you, because of you.

When I graduated high school and I was able to deliver a speech during our baccalaureate, you cheered me on. You recorded it for me, so I could show people who weren't able to make it to the ceremony. You were one of the few people able to come to my actual graduation. You helped me celebrate the accomplishments and awards from my hard work.

When your cancer came back, I was so worried. I was afraid for you, I was afraid of what I would do without the support you had always given me. When I was in Rome, I went to the Vatican and had gotten a Cross with a purple gem in the middle blessed by the Pope to help you with your treatments. It was something from me and a little bit of my mom in the necklace, the gem.

Now, sitting so far from you away at college just like you wanted me to. I miss you. I wish I was there to say goodbye.

I'll travel the world for you, write lots of stories and books for you, I will live life to the fullest for you.

You are another angel taken too early in life. Please say hello to my parents and grandma in Heaven for me.

Lots of love,

Haiden

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