To My Anxiety, I'm Tired Of You Controlling Everthing

To My Anxiety, I'm Tired Of You Controlling Everthing

I am tired of overthinking everything. I am tired of constantly thinking about things that are out of my control

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You don't dictate my life.

You don't get to make decisions for me.

You don't get to make me feel bad about things.

I am tired of you controlling everything. I am tired of overthinking everything. I am tired of constantly thinking about things that are out of my control. I am tired of working myself up enough to make me sick. I am tired of living life trying to prove my worth.

I hope one day that I can give my life without you. I hope one day that I won't sit in bed and cry over something that is out of my control. I hope one day that I can stop worrying about every little thing. I hope one day my anxiety will be gone

Describing my anxiety to people can be really hard. Some people don't understand it. Some people don't understand why I just can't let things go. Some people don't understand why I overthink everything. Some people don't understand how anxiety can affect my whole life. Some people just don't understand anxiety as a whole.

I don't want to have anxiety, in fact, I hate it.

I hate that this is a part of my life.

Although it doesn't define me, it is a big part of my life.

It has shaped me into the person I am, whether that is a good or a bad thing.

But I am tired of it affecting every little thing. Every choice. Every action. Every relationship.

This is something that a lot of people struggle with, which I keep reminding myself because I know I am not alone.

I am not alone in the fact that I feel weak.

I am not alone in overthinking everything.

I am not alone in the fact that I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep.

I am not alone in the fact that my mind is always racing; thinking of the next thing to do.

I am not alone in the fact that I don't want to let anyone down.

On days where everything seems to be going good, all of a sudden you strike again. You make the day turn for the worse. You make me shut down. You make me ignore those who care about me. You make me just want to lay in bed and do nothing. There are times where I want to do stuff, but physically can't move. Those are the worst days. Because I want to do things but you do not let me get out of bed. Instead, you make me lay there and think about things that don't even matter. Things that won't be relevant a week from now.

So many people try to say get over it, it is not that big of a deal. But anxiety is so much more than that. And it sucks when it causes tension in friendship. So I am sorry to anyone I have hurt because of my anxiety.

So from here on out, my goal is to try to push through the constant anxiety and live life for me. Not for anyone else. To do what makes me happy and to live without fear of the future.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."

  • Proverbs 31:25

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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Dear Anxiety, Thank You For Everything You Do And What You Make Me Do

My anxiety definitely isn't an easy thing to handle, but I wouldn't give it up for the world.

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I've always been a worrier. As long as I can remember, I've spent hours upon hours overthinking even the simplest of things, like whether or not something I mentioned in passing twelve years ago could have upset someone. Even ask my mom, she'll tell you all about the times I used to worry about silly little things since I was able to really worry about things at all. Now, worrying about literally everything that crosses my mind may seem like a hassle, and it is, but I truly don't think I would be where I am today without it.

Anxiety is a bitch. There, I said it. Short and sweet. It sucks, in all honesty, and is one of the hardest things to overcome that I have ever experienced in my lifetime (Not that it's been all that long, but you get what I mean here, right?) I spend so much time worrying that I barely take the time to sit back and look at how much I have accomplished rather than how much I have left to do. For example, I have four assignments and exams standing between me and summer but am I focusing on how little that is to do? Nope. I am spending every waking hour panicking about when and how I'm going to finish that work when I know full well that I have more than enough time to do so.

Yes, my anxiety keeps me from seeing the positives sometimes, but it really does motivate me. I mean, why else would I be up at three in the morning writing a paper that's due in a week when I work at 7 a.m. and have more than enough time in the next week to do it? Thanks to anxiety, I'll be exhausted for the next 24 hours, but hey, that work that doesn't need to be done for a long time is done and I can sleep later. Or so I think right now. I'm sure some little assignment or task will pop up that I have to finish by June that I feel the need to cram for right now.

So I guess this is my thank you to my anxiety. Thanks for motivating me by causing daily breakdowns over dropping a bobby pin behind my mini fridge or a page long paper that I have to turn in in two months. Thank you for keeping me on my toes constantly and pushing me so hard that I somehow ended up so far ahead in my classes. Where would I be without you? Probably a lot calmer, but with piles of assignments to finish at an appropriate time.

Thanks for everything you do - and make me do.

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