As I moved into my dorm, I was just entranced by the unconditional love of my parents. My mom was drenched in sweat with boxes and bags piled high. In the background, I saw the golden music hall of my school. It was one of those perfect moments in life that you just want to save forever. Previously, I was stressed and snappy, but in that moment, all I felt was the peace one feels when surrounded by love. Everywhere I went, I felt love radiating from my mother, from my sister and from God. I was literally overcome by it all. Weighed down in the heat, magnified by the steaming asphalt, I felt love so strongly I had to stop and take it in. It was as brief as an inhale, but moments like this make me so sure of the unconditional love of my Heavenly Father.
For the most part during this summer I had felt extremely "lukewarm," and it had been a while since I had distinctly felt His presence. I just felt so swamped by the stress that is to be expected with impending responsibility, and what seemed like separation from all the people that have ever loved me. I felt anxiety making it’s home in my life.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -- 1 John 4:18
On campus, you can feel the presence of God everywhere. In the security guards, the students, the air, the buildings, the geese and the campus itself. If you close your eyes, the thickness of His presence is almost palpable. Every second I’m here I feel the restoring power of God. Like I said, before I was in this incredible mood where everything that moved and/or spoke irritated me like an itchy sweater that you can't take off. But, the second I walked on campus I felt the depression, anxiety and irritability that taken a hold on me melt away.
After a few hours, I was back to my irritable self, controlled by the voices in my head saying, “You're going to be unorganized. You're not mature enough to do this on your own.” Simple things like decorating my dorm set me off into a tantrum. I went out by myself around campus, and again I could feel the anxiety melting away in the summer heat.
I met a friend who needed a ride and I offered to drive her. I didn't even consider the fact that I would have to drive. Driving in an unfamiliar area terrifies me, and I drove without any fear to the grocery store, to the hotel and then to the restaurant in a city I moved to the day before with no fear holding me back. That day was a "good day" that people with chronic anxiety don't seem to enjoy often.
I arrived at the hotel to find that my mother’s purse had gone missing. We emptied the car and scoured the hotel room with no luck, but all I felt was peace. My mother’s driver’s license and six credit cards were somewhere in Tulsa, and I was trying to hold back a smile. I drove around for hours, everywhere we went that day starving and hot, but all I felt was joy. Days before, I was a slave to debilitating stress, drowning in self doubt and insecurity to the point where common was the day that getting out of bed was a battle. Now I was driving around Tulsa with a legitimately stressful situation, and I was the happiest I had been in months; truly the entire situation was comical. We looked for hours everywhere retracing every single step of the day. As the possibilities of finding my mom’s purse diminished, and the sun began to set, I felt an increase in hope. At the very end of the day, with absolutely no place to look, my mom goes into my dorm, walks to my closet to hang up some of my clothes and there she finds my wallet. The second we decided to stop looking, we found it.
This all just goes to show that when God comes to you supernatural joy and blessings will come smack you in the face in the most pleasantly unexpected way.
"Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -- Romans 15:13
