Prior to this article, I've written a few different things on my battle with mental illness. They have all varied and have been about various different subjects and parts of my battle. But I've never really publicly discussed my thoughts on antidepressants and medications for mental illness. It's been a very sensitive and personal topic, and I've been a little afraid to openly admit that, yes, I am currently taking an antidepressant to help treat my depression. But here I am, cards all out on the table yet again.
According to The New York Times, one out of every 10 Americans are on some form of antidepressants (and this is only as of 2013). And while there is a lot of controversy on why people take them and the misuse of antidepressants by prescribers, I can tell you that it's fairly more common than most people realize. So here I am, telling you why it's completely okay to take an antidepressant.
When my mother and psychologist suggested I start on antidepressants, I shuddered at the thought. I had situational depression and nothing more, so why would I need a pill to help me? I would get over it eventually, right?
Well, I was wrong. I'm actually clinically depressed and, for some reason, my brain does not secrete serotonin in the way it's supposed to. This means that I will always have depression, and I will never be "cured." And it also means that antidepressants are my reality, my everyday necessity.
Now, before I continue, let me say that I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I don't want to "rely" on a medication to help me get out of bed in the morning, but it is my reality. This is the way my life is and probably will always be. But it's okay.
It's a common misconception to think that antidepressants are just "happy pills" and will change everything altogether. No, they don't do that; they give me the energy to get out of bed or the ambition to get my work done or clean my room. It helps me function. It isn't some magical pill that makes me all better. I still have bad days, I still have down days where getting out of my bed seems like the biggest challenge I've ever faced.
Sometimes I sit down and wonder what my life would have been like if I had never made the decision to start taking an antidepressant. As severe and painful as it may seem, I don't think I would be alive right now. I was a very suicidal and apathetic young girl before I started on them, and I honestly could not picture my future. I didn't want to if it was going to be as awful and agonizing as it was at the time.
Antidepressants didn't "cure" me, though; they stopped the monotony and pain that was my life before them. They gave me back the power of my life; they gave me back the control. They gave me back the ability to feel and experience my life in a way that was inaccessible for years. Before, my life was (get ready for the cliché) a pit of gray where nothing exciting happened and I rarely felt the need to do anything, or try. But then I started feeling again.
My brain began to work as it should, and I experienced emotions (which, honestly, scared me quite a bit for the first few months, until I finally realized that humans are supposed to feel sad and mad periodically. Duh, Mattea, it's okay!). It was like in "The Giver," when Jonas starts seeing color and experiences the world after living under a fog all his life. It was quite literally like that.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I am glad that I live in a country where mental illness awareness is more prevalent and talked about (though we still have a long way to go). I am extremely thankful that I am in a financial situation where I have access to these medications in order to, quite literally, keep me alive.
But most of all, I am grateful that I have accepted this part of my life, that I have grown to realize that it's not a shameful or bad thing. There is no harm in taking care of yourself. There is no shame in allowing yourself to have the best life possible. Sure, I take quite a few pills for a young woman my age, but it's not the worst situation in the world. I am lucky. I am grateful. And yes, I am on antidepressants.
