Death is an inevitable process, we are taught that someday each and every one of us will die and cease to exist. We are taught to live every day to its fullest and focus on leaving a legacy for those who we love. However, we are never truly prepared to die or lose someone permanently. For those of us that have lost someone close to us, we know that one can never be prepared to never see our loved one again. The loss of a loved one not only leaves a mark, it leaves an empty feeling. For me, the years 2007 and 2015 left a mark and an emptiness in my heart. The emptiness isn’t only a result of losing my grandparents, it is also a result of everything that came as a result of the loss.

In the year 2007, my paternal grandfather and grandmother passed away; with less than a month in between. When I received the news that my grandfather had passed away I couldn’t believe it because he was healthy, the one who was in the hospital was my grandmother. What I didn’t know was that as soon as my grandmother would be told that her lifelong partner was gone, she would follow him down the same path. If losing one person was hard enough, losing two was even worse. The reality was that I was in no way prepared to lose them and I was in no way prepared to watch my father fall in a deep depression. The man that I had so much looked up to and viewed as the strongest man in my life was completely devastated and inconsolable.

After the loss of my grandparents, I truly thought I was prepared for another loss. I truly thought that everything would be different and that I would not have to be the strong one and keep all of my feelings to myself, but I was wrong. On July 26, 2015, as I patiently waited for the A train I received the dreaded phone call, my maternal grandfather was gone. I was shocked, I didn’t know what to think or how to act, I wasn’t even near my house. The shock slowly turned into sadness as I broke into tears in front of other subway riders who looked at me with sympathy. I cried the whole hour that it took me to get home. Losing the only grandparent that I had left was the ultimate blow that made me realize that while loss is inevitable, one can never be prepared.

I will never fully recover from the loss of my grandparents, there is an emptiness in my heart that will not seal itself for as long as I live. Every day that passes is another day that I don’t get to be with them. I only pray, that I am given the opportunity to enjoy my parents for many years because I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like to lose a parent.

To my angels up in heaven, abuelitos, thank you for looking over me and thank you for giving me the strength to keep on living my life as time passes without you.

Abueitos, I miss you and I love you.