And if I have a daughter,

Hi sweetie,

I know, life is hard right now. Those girls that didn’t invite you to that party, they aren’t worth your time, plus that’s just how junior high is. So maybe you didn’t make the volleyball team, so you didn’t win that one race, and maybe you just keep falling short, but that’s okay. I know you are going to go into you room and cry, but try and put on a strong face when you walk out. You aren’t fooling me, because I did it too. But I know you don’t want to talk about it so we will move on and I’ll help you study for your vocabulary test and reward you with ice cream for not missing any, but really you are getting it because I saw the hurt in your heart.

That attitude? Not needed.

You are a freshman in high school now, so obviously you know everything. Guess what? You don’t. If you want to be cool by failing yes, you’ll be extra cool by not having a phone as well. You can roll your eyes and pout all you want, but it won't change my mind. I am still going to ground you and I am still going to love you more than ever. You are still going to cry in your room because though you may never admit it, you hate disappointing me. And when you finally come out for dinner and hug me, you’ll do whatever you can to make sure the tears don’t start again. Don’t worry, I’ll hug you a little tighter and say “I love you” a little softer and once again, every thing will be okay.

So you are 16 now.

Suddenly you have gained a car and a boyfriend, and I have lost my sanity. I will tell you not to push your friends away and I will try to limit the time you have with him, but I know all those nights you say you are spending with you friends, some of those nights are lies and you are really with him. And you are going to promise me that he is “The One” and I will just smile and say maybe, and then remind you that if he is not, then it is because you are worth more than anything he is giving you. Of course you’ll get mad and scream, “Mom you just don’t understand," but sweetie you may not realize it, this was exactly me. So you can yell and fight and tell me he is the perfect guy for you, but when yo come home one night with tears in your eyes, too weak to make it to your room, I will be there to hold you. And I won’t say “I told you so”, and I won’t act as if you are okay. I will remind you though that wallowing is important and ice cream helps fix everything, and for the heart ache that ice cream doesn’t fix, well you better pray for that boy’s safety because your daddy will be ready to fix it himself. My shirt will be covered in tears and my heart will beat a little harder because the pain I prayed you would never experience had finally caught up to you and though your heart may hurt, I can promise you that my heart hurts more.

No, you can’t use “but I’m a senior” as your excuse to go do everything.

Your last year with me is finally here and yes I cried just as hard on your first day of senior year as I did on your first day of kindergarten. Your last game, your last dance, your last everything seems to be happening so fast, and you don’t even realize it. You are going to want to spend as much time with your friends as possible because you only have a few months left to make some of your favorite memories. So you’ll go out more, and I will see you less. You will come home every night and sit on the couch with me and tell me about all of the fun you had. You’ll think these are the best days you will ever have, but I am so thankful that that isn’t true. You’ll get your gown and you’ll walk the stage and you’ll stick your tongue out at me like you always promised. You’ll take my breath away once again because I am amazed at how truly beautiful and accomplished you actually are. I’ll hug you, and I’ll hug you, and I’ll hug you again. I’ll take too many pictures of you and your friends until the point that I embarrass you, but I just want to remember every single moment. And as the days of your last summer go by, I will embrace all the little things a little more, because my little girl isn’t so little anymore.

Did you really have to wait to the day before to pack?

You leave for college in the morning and for some reason I think I am more nervous than you are. You talk about your major and the people you are going to meet. You are convinced that you will meet your husband within the first week. You claim you aren’t nervous at all, you are just excited, but I catch you looking at pictures a little longer and talking about the “old times” a little more. And as I kiss you goodnight I can’t help but know that in order to seem strong, you’ll wait until you think I am asleep and you will cry away all of your fears. But the morning will come and the move in day will go too fast. I will want to make sure everything is perfect. The decorations, the pictures, the bed, and even the junk food that you probably shouldn’t eat. I will keep myself busy so I don’t have to focus on the fact that in a couple of minutes I will have to say goodbye to the one constant in my life. That in a few minutes I will no longer be 10 feet away to give you advice, and that instead a phone call will do. But never the less, the time has come, and for once you don’t wait for me to leave. For once you don’t try to be strong like you always have. For once you break down in my arm with no barrier whats so ever. Your tears won’t stop and you’ll tell me “mom don’t go”, but I have to anyways. And since I didn’t cry, you’ll think, “I want to be like mom” as you curl up in your dorm room bed for your first time all-alone.

But can I tell you a secret?

All those times you thought you were in your room crying alone, I was just a few step away crying too. And in this moment when you think I am driving away from your dorm with out a tear in my eye, there will be tears streaming down my face. Because when you were hurt, so was I. When I saw that boy treating you as less than you were, my heart ached because you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. And as I drop you off at college I can’t help but smile through the tears because you are everything I always wanted to be.

So if I have a daughter.

My heart will constantly beat a little faster, and my mind will probably be a little crazier. I will be more scared than ever that she will turn out like me, but if she does she will be the better version of me that I was never able to be. I will promise to be her best friend, but be a stern mother when needed, and I promise to love her even when I’d rather hate her. If I have a daughter I don’t exactly know what I’ll do, but I have some pretty good knowledge because when my mom had a daughter she became a woman that I have always wanted to be.