For a long time, I never understood why people had so much anxiety towards their health. When I was younger I didn’t think about washing my hands, didn’t think about what I ate, and I despised being told to come inside when it was raining because I might get sick. It seemed really sad to lock yourself out from experiences just because of the possibility you could catch something. But it’s when something traumatic happens to you that you become mentally crippled and trapped. I’m sure many people reading this have a story about a loved one or a good friend who was in good health and in the blink of an eye was either gone or changed forever. It’s a terrifying reality; how swiftly we can decline — and it’s not until we live in that moment that we recognize our own fragility. After my uncle suddenly passed away, it changed everything.

Since I was little I’ve played sports, and while this fact has often assuaged my anxiety towards my health, I’ve never been able to eat healthily. I have a terrible case of sweet tooth. There are healthy substitutes for junk food; food that can even taste really good, but it doesn’t ever beat that incredible taste of candy. And every time I chug a Dr. Pepper or swallow an entire Snickers bar whole, I am filled with immense shame and anxiety towards my future. Heart issues and diabetes run in my family, and about four years ago I was diagnosed with arrhythmia, which essentially means my heart occasionally suffers from a sporadic heartbeat. This makes me feel dizzy and fatigued. It happens erratically. I could have a huge meal, I could’ve just had some coffee, or I could be doing wind sprints. And while I underwent a successful surgery to rectify the problem, this has not helped displace my anxiety. I’m only 19, but I can already feel my metabolism aging. At what point can my body no longer compensate for the sheer amount of punishment I give it?

There’s a lot of sacrifices I’ve had to make to avoid the anxiety that comes with my health — especially this year. I sat out of a lot of basketball practices at just the hint of a possible issue. After drinking caffeine I experience about an hour stressing about the possibility of my heart giving out from all the extra pumping. Sometimes when I’m in bed and about to go to sleep my heart will beat so bizarrely that I’m horrified to go to sleep, worried that my heart will give out while I’m asleep and that’ll be how it ends. It’s a vicious cycle. My heart will start to feel strange, and my anxiety directed towards that only makes my heart beat faster! It’s gotten to the point where I can convince myself of anything. A sharp pain in my chest paralyzes me with fear. I often have my friends try to hear my heartbeat because sometimes my anxiety is so bad I genuinely believe my heart has stopped beating. After being so reckless all these years about what I do, now I just want to stay inside, where it’s more safe.