If I had the opportunity to write a letter to you that I know you would read, I don’t even know where I would begin. I can’t replay the memories we made during the “good part” of the relationship, because knowing we’ve managed to go from there to here is absolutely heartbreaking. I like to believe that there was a time when you really did love me. I remember when we used to talk from the moment we woke up until we shut our eyes for the night. We would talk for hours on the phone at night; I remember times when we fell asleep while on the phone. Whenever I would get mad at you, for things I now realize were so menial, you would never let me go to sleep until things were resolved. If I did hang up the phone during a fight, you would stay up all night, restlessly worried about whether or not things would be okay. You were intertwined in every part of my life. My friends were your friends and your friends were mine. You knew every time I was mad, sad, or jumping for joy. You became a member of my family. Marriage was inevitable, it was just a matter of time. Until one day we started sinking, and we were never able to reach the surface again for air.

I can’t even pin-point where things went wrong exactly, I just know that one day things were good and the next day they were so, so bad. We started to talk less. You wouldn’t text me good morning, which I know isn’t that big of a deal, but it was what we did. You wouldn’t call me before going to sleep, which you attributed to your busy schedule, but we both know that you just really didn’t want to talk to me. You began avoiding all family functions. Family members would ask me where you were because usually I did not attend any of these things without you by my side. I made excuses for you, trying to turn away from the reality of what was really happening. I didn't know where you were on Friday nights, but I had a pretty good idea. I kept denying the inevitable, but the day came where I didn’t have a choice whether or not to turn a blind eye anymore.

It’s amazing to me that one night, one phone call could change my life forever. My worst fear became a reality, and I had never felt such emptiness and writhing pain coming from somewhere I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t sleep that night. How could I when the person who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with gave up the fight for our relationship and walked away? I didn’t believe it was true, and I wouldn’t believe it for a long time.

I held onto the hope that you would come back for an excruciating long time. You made me believe that there was a light at the end of the tunnel to hold onto. You told me that you just had to figure things out. You cried when we would talk about what was lost and what was to come, which made me believe that you really did love me and you would come back soon enough. Little by little though, you continued to become somebody that I did not recognize. You became somebody who ignored each and every one of my tear-stained phone calls. You made promises that you continually broke. You left me waiting for a text message that I would never receive. You became somebody that I never thought you were capable of becoming - someone who disrespected everything about me.

Today, I look at you, and I don’t recognize the face looking back at me. The outer appearance is the same, but somebody I’ve never met has entered your inner being. It hurts me to know that everything about you has changed in such a short amount of time; it almost hurts more than knowing my future doesn’t include you. As desperately as I want to and have tried to remind you of what once was and who you once were, I’ve learned that you cannot force someone to be something they’re not. Thankfully though, this experience has not been all negative.

I’ve learned a lot about myself during this time of heartbreak. I’ve learned that you don’t always need to be in contact with someone. I’ve learned the beauty of being alone. I’ve learned how to spend a weekend by myself, watching movies and catching up on my to-do list. I’ve learned the value of genuine friendships - of people who make you laugh until your stomach hurts and who you can trust. I’ve learned that family is everything, and that nobody can take their place, that is until a man comes along that earns my trust and makes a lifelong commitment to me. As desperately as I wanted that to be you, I have come to accept that God’s plan is different than mine. And though it still hurts to think of all that was lost, I find peace knowing that God’s not finished with me yet. I have to believe that something wonderful is in store for this broken soul I have come to mend.