Dear my rock,
You started caring for me before you even knew about my struggles. You showed me that you weren't going to give up even when things got hard. You showed me nice individuals still exist. That being said, you were too good to be true. I tried everything in my power to hide my sickness from you, but it was inevitable that you would find out. I slowly broke down and told you my secrets. You held my hand and cried with me with through it all. I struggled with how to word it all.
How do I tell you that you make me the happiest I have ever been, but sometimes my body just does not allow me to be happy? How do I tell you that I find you ever so handsome, but today I feel so ugly I don't want to be touched? How do I tell you that I'm so happy you want to take me out for a lovely night, but I can't convince myself to get out of bed? How do I tell you I love you when I am struggling to love myself?
I always heard stories about depression and how life altering it could be, but never realize how severely it would affect me I was faced with it, I never realized how much it would change my life. I was crying for hours everyday. Simple tasks like going to work and school seemed like mountains I could not climb. I would start fights out of no where with you, one even over potatoes, I'm telling you this sickness is no joke. I would try and leave you because I thought you deserved so much more than me. I was breaking your heart without even knowing. I was hurting more than I ever knew was possible, without knowing the cause. Sudden onset depression is the scariest thing I have ever faced, and I didn't want you to have to go through this horrific mess too.
After one awful night of me screaming and crying til almost 3 am, you held my hand and told me I needed to get help. I knew you were right, but I was so embarrassed to tell my family what was going on. You went with me to every doctor, some saying I had to wait 5 months for help, but you helped me realize I couldn't wait that long. You supported me even though I knew I was scaring the hell out of you. I had no control over my body. From every appointment to every different trial of medicine you stood by me even though I know this is never what you wanted in a partner. I thought I would never be the girl for you after this. I thought you were just helping me through it and going to leave as soon as you helped me get better, but I was wrong.
Coming into this relationship, you didn't know much about depression or even about expressing emotion, but you are proof that anyone can be of help to those suffering from mental illness even if it is something they have never experienced. You taught me people can help people even when they have no idea what they are doing as long as they act with love, they can be someone's saving grace like you were for me.
Here we are, months since getting help, and we are getting better everyday. Do I still slip up and have bad days? Sadly yes and every time I do, I have to live with the guilt that I am hurting you. You are my hope. You push me to get better everyday and give me something to work towards. Depression is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I wish you never saw me this way. I wish I was always perfect and happy for you. I am sorry for everything. Words cannot express how much easier this process was with you by my side. When you met me, you had no idea what you were getting into. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Without you, I don't know if I would be standing tall and fighting for happiness everyday. You helped me save me from myself. I will spend the rest of my life showing you how grateful I am.
-The girl who is forvever grateful
