The sinking of my stomach. I felt it each and every time I saw the name pop up on your phone. I didn't mean to look, but my eyes scanned anyway, knowing what I'd see before I even saw it. The ex. I swear she only texts to make sure she can get a reply. And she can. And she always will.

I tried to be patient. Because well, I thought that maybe friendship overpowered the toxicity of your relationship. But I knew deep down that I was lying to myself. But I was also lying to you. Even though my chest hurt from jealousy; from sadness, your pretty smile made me forget it all. You made me feel okay, even if it wasn't. It was a ticking time bomb. But the danger of the explosiveness made me want to hold it in the palm of my hand. I thought maybe if I held it tight enough, it wouldn't burst.

But wow. Was I wrong. I think the pressure may have even hurried the process. I wanted to show you that you deserved more than she gave you. I wanted to prove to you that you don't need to hurt to feel love. So I kissed you more. I held you longer. I sent you good morning texts, goodnight texts and everything in between. But when all was said and done, When the choice had to be made, you didn't choose me. And I had to leave. I had to choose myself, even when it hurt to.

Time has passed and the sting of that still hurts from time to time. Late at night when the thoughts prevent me from sleeping. Early in the morning before I get out of bed. Throughout the day. You influence how i think about relationships. And how I trust.

But I want you to know something. I'm not angry. I think of the times that I looked into those beautiful eyes. When I caught a glimpse of that gorgeous smile. And I'm not angry. I'm not mad at you for not choosing me. Even when I probably should be. And I want you to know that no matter where you are, you can talk to me. You can reach out. Because no matter how much you hurt me, I loved you. And that doesn't go away.

I need you to choose yourself. I need you to be okay. Because even if I'm not, I still care if you are, I always will. If she is what you need, if she will bring that smile to your face, then be happy. If nothing else, the sadness I've felt teaches me a lesson. No matter what I tried I do, I lost before I started playing the game. And that wasn't my fault. You weren't ready for me to be treat you the way I wanted to. Perhaps the right person at the wrong time. This was something that was hard for me to accept. I felt terrible about myself for the longest time; but I'm getting my confidence back. Because I know that someone will be prepared for the love I have to give, even if you weren't.