My Temple
The reality of rape doesn’t reflect how it is portrayed in movies, pornography, and even what the society says about it. The feeling of being degraded was the most revolting sensation I’ve experienced. Physically having someone on top of you, having someone take control of your body, your temple, is a feeling that I would never want to relive. It’s the feeling of someone sweating and breathing on you, with deep gasps for air. Then, all you hear are these breathes and occasional voices, but all that is felt is pain as I go in and out of reality.
Right Now
The pain of realizing that this is happening and there is no way for me to change this because it is the reality of the moment. There is no way to prepare for this because now the body that belonged to me is no longer mine.
Broken Record
However, after it’s over that feeling of being broken devours me. I feel like a broken record that is stuck on replay. EVERYDAY, I would struggle waking up to go to school because I just didn’t want to be there. EVERYDAY, I was stuck on repeat with the same tears that would roll down my face and isolation from everyone. The ability to feel happy in the body that was once mine has been taken away. I was in despair but this emotion felt like it was on repeat...
Facing Fears
This feeling isn’t attractive or seductive. This feeling fills me with contempt and disgrace towards myself and my perpetrator. Being dehumanized violated me to the extent that my offender took not only my virginity, but my dignity, self-worth, and self-actualization. However, one day I woke up, looked in the mirror and saw the damaged remains that were left behind from that heartbreaking night.
Change
To rebuild a home after a hurricane it takes a lot of work. To put out a fire it takes a team of firefighters. To rebuild one’s self it takes a mirror and the ability to realize that you can do it. One day I looked in that mirror after brushing my teeth and I came to terms with what happened. I realized, the pain lasted more than just that hour; it painfully dragged on for 3,600 seconds. However, the body that I called my own will take a lifetime to emotionally reconstruct.
“You want this.” This one sentence, this singular statement, this paralyzing command will be the only discourse that causes a debilitating recollection of that night.
The reason I have opened up about this experience is to share that it can happen regardless of gender. I personally didn’t pursue any legal action because I was afraid of how my male peers would view my masculinity. For those who have shared similar experiences understand this sensation of being trapped, like the memory of this life changing event in my mind. Those that have been sexually assaulted should not keep this memory suppressed out of fear of humiliation, but should be able to be comfortable voicing their experiences and how it affected them. If young men are able to do this then maybe one day they could help someone come to terms with their past and not live in fear of humiliation.
