It’s taken me a while to write this. For some time, I just pushed both of you out of mind, swearing you didn’t deserve any more time there. But the more I talk about it, the more I feel like I’m taking back power over a time I felt powerless. The more I talk about you and shed light on the damage you caused, the more I find I’m not alone.
I knew both of you. To the first one, I thought you were my friend. I thought that you were helping me that night freshman year when I was in a rough spot and was scared of what was happening. Instead of just taking me home, you saw my trust and vulnerability and abused it. You taught me to not depend on anyone, even those I thought I was close to. You made me feel like it was better to close myself off than open up and risk ever being hurt again. I was naïve and blamed myself and didn’t say anything to anyone. You tried to talk to me afterward as if nothing had happened and I allowed it. I wonder if you even understand what you did.
And you, the second boy. You acted like it was all a game, told me that you were “above the law” and laughed when I said that what you did to girls was rape. You pushed and pushed and touched me when I said no. You pulled me into a bathroom, told me I should touch you. When I finally held you accountable months later, it got worse before it got better. You told everyone that you could – in our dorm, from our hometown- that I was lying. You told everyone that I wanted you, but you rejected me. You told them that I was lying about everything. You said you were never drunk, you never said those things, and you didn’t grope me. People I didn’t even know started asking my friends about it, told you that they would “f*** her life up” for you. At the hearing, you lied through your teeth until they tripped you up. But I don’t think you ever learned.
I had my first panic attack when I saw you again. I saw different therapists. I took self-defense. Now, I take medicine just to function throughout the day. At first, I was afraid to walk outside of my room in broad daylight. If I saw someone that looked like you, I couldn’t breathe. I don’t like being in big crowds and if someone touches me without my approval, even a small hug can make me feel like I’m in danger. Hearing the mention of your names made my stomach turn. Both of you turned my world upside down, and not in a good way. Sometimes I wonder if I ever even had an impact on you or if either of you knows that what you did was wrong. If you know that you messed up someone’s life in a way that you can’t take back. The one place that I should feel safe, my body, was taken away.
Even though you took part of me and broke it into pieces, I am a stronger and more whole person now because of you. Somewhere along the way, I decided that neither of you would win. That neither of you would have a hold on me anymore. I wrote songs, cried a lot, and talked to the people closest to me and eventually learned to trust again. I’m outspoken, independent, caring, loved, forgiving, happy and kind. I am all of these wonderful things, despite what you did to me. I’m a survivor and I grew. As much as I want to hate you with every bone in my body, I just hope that you never do what you did to me again.
If you or someone you know has been affected by assault or harassment, please talk to someone. You are NOT alone. You are a survivor. There are services available to you. IU Student Ethics can work with you to file a report and place you with a student advocate. Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) is located on the fourth floor of the Health Center.
IU Student Ethics: (812) 855-5419
CAPS: (812) 855-571
Bloomington Police: (812) 339-4477
