**Trigger Warning**
I know sometimes it must feel like it. That the world is against you and the only real friends you have are your books but that’s not the case. You are loved. So much more than you’ll ever realize. I was there. I remember the tear filled nights. I remember the feeling of being numb, I also remember the feeling of being drowned under so many different emotions all at once. I can still feel the razor blade drawing across my skin. That feeling of stinging peace that came along with it.
My dear how I wish I could turn back time and go back. Show you all that I know now. You’re not crazy, you’re ill. Those moments of wondering if death would ever be better than living; I have the answer. It’s not. Living is so much better.
Depression is a horrible disease that eats away at you slowly. It takes away everything you love, then it starts to take away parts of you. It will take away your carefree laugh, your wonderful smile and slowly your amazing personality. It will push you down and make you bury yourself slowly with handfuls of dirt. It will make you question everyone you love and whether or not they love you. It will hurt, I know it will hurt. You will cry and scream; feel like you are losing control. You will stare at a bottle of pills and think the best idea you’ve ever had was to take them all. You are going to take them all. I wish I could stop you, stop me. But time only works one way in reality. I can taste them as you do, white chalky death on the tip of the tongue as you take handful after handful wondering why they are not working. I feel the tears as they fall down your cheeks as you realize the reality of what you’ve done. The raw sense of panic as your vision goes fuzzy as the pills start to kick in. You’re dying. But it’s okay. This time you are going to live. This time you’re going to be saved.
I was thirteen years old when I spent three days in the hospital after trying to kill myself by swallowing hundreds of pills. I felt alone and scared. I felt like my life was just pointless and painful. I didn’t want to try anymore. At thirteen my life was almost snuffed out but yet, I sit here today a little over ten years later writing this article. I’m writing this to tell you that it gets better.
Depression is a disease that will affect you for the rest of your life but it does not make you who you are. There is so much more to you than this tiny piece of illness that is stuck in your mind. Depression will try and take away that spark that is inside of you that makes you the amazing person you are. I need you to fight. Depression is a war that you are desperately fighting, it will be exhausting and frustrating. Some days will be better than others, some days depression will win. But there will be many battles, you will not win every one. It is okay. I’m going to say it again.
It is okay.
Give yourself a day. One day to lay in bed and pretend the world doesn’t exist, sleep as long as you want. But, the next day you get up, you get dressed and you live your life. Depression does not rule you. You rule it. Go out with your friends. Make yourself laugh. Let yourself cry.
DO NOT HOLD IT IN!
You’re not alone, talk about it. There are so many people you can talk to; do not let the darkness consume you, do not let the dirt cover your face. Do not dig your own grave. You climb out of that hole and you talk about it. Anyone will listen to you if you ask them to, family, friends, even a therapist. Give people a chance to be there for you. If you need medications, then take them. You are not weak. You are not crazy.
You are not crazy.
You are ill. All illness needs treatment. If you push it away, if you ignore it then you are letting it rule you.
Some days you’re going to think about it. You’re going to wonder if living is worth it. Depression will grab onto your thoughts and drag your mind down this dark path like a dog on a leash. Don’t be mad at yourself for it. It’s okay. As a person who is living with depression I can tell you it is worth being alive. I have tasted death on my tongue and it is not sweet. It is bitter and it is painful. It’s scary. Then again life can be too. Every day is a chance of something better though. Every morning that you wake up and you get out of bed is another day of accomplishing something. When you are living with depression you have to celebrate the little things, getting out of bed may not seem like much but that day you could have stayed in bed; but you didn’t. You chose to live your life another day and that is amazing.
I want you to live. For every person whose life was cut a day short, I want you to celebrate that day. I want you to love like every day that ends is a day you may not wake up from in the morning. But most of all, put down those blades. There is enough pain inside you to fill an ocean, you do not need more. Put down those pills, I need your smile around just a little longer. Tell your family. Tell them that you're not okay, tell them that you are afraid of living because sometimes it hurts too much. Tell them that you are sick. There are support groups, there are so many people experiencing exactly what you are, talk to them.
Depression makes you feel like you are so alone. You are never as alone as you feel. Head up love, speak out, speak up and smile. Because depression is a war you can win. Just like I did.
