You know who you are. I could say your name and publicly broadcast it to the world. And if someone decided to look at my social media and dig a little deeper they could put two and two together. But that won't change anything that I have done. It would do nothing but bring more pain and more drama. I can't go back and fix the mistakes that I have made. If there was a way to do it I would in a heartbeat. Because life without you is pure hell and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. As I look back on my life now I realize how truly toxic I was. Toxic is defined as poisonous. I was the poison in your life. I was the leech holding on sucking your blood and sucking you dry. The mistakes I have made in my past are inexcusable and not worthy of forgiveness. You owe me absolutely nothing. While I owe you everything.

I am grateful for the pain. The pain taught me that I had a problem and I needed help. I was mentally ill. Had I not have lost everyone and everything I probably would still be that same toxic person I turned into. I hope you know I wasn't always that way. When our friendship first began you were the best best friend I could possibly ask for. You were the sister I often needed. You loved me unconditionally and I could always count on you for anything I needed. You had my back and I had yours. You took me in when I had nowhere to go. You let me come stay at your house and shower when I couldn't be around my mom. You helped me with a deposit on a new car. You fed me. You picked me up many times that I needed a ride. And when I got my shit together financially. I tried. I tried really hard to pay you back in any way possible. I love your kids. I love you for always letting me get my kid fix in with your kids and letting me take them anytime I wanted. I will treasure those memories with those beautiful girls always. And then came another downfall. I went from working two jobs to working only one which put a toll on my finances a little bit. I couldn't afford everything on my own and began getting behind again. And I fell in love with your brother. My world became revolved around him. I tried so hard to still make time for you and have a life a part from him. But I just loved him so much from the moment he called me his. My entire life changed. And then came our first pregnancy loss. As you know it wasn't my first pregnancy loss. But it was his and our first loss together. And all though I vented to you a lot sometimes too much about the things I was struggling with. I didn't really express to you the dark things going through my mind. Maybe if I had then I could have gotten help much sooner. I began being jealous. Jealous of you for having kids and being happy. I wanted what you had. Jealous of other people that had kids. Every new pregnancy announcement on Face book made me get worse and worse. Until the day I had too much and as you know I went a little crazy then. And after all of that was said and done when I found out I was pregnant again I thought this was it. This was God sending me what I have always wanted. Everything was going to be ok. I was getting better. I was happy again. Until I miscarried again. The beginning of the end.

those first few weeks after we lost our sweet girl are still a blur to me. I remember getting really good at putting on a fake face for your brother and everyone. But on the inside I had planned out my suicide at least 20 times. I had a permanent voice in my head telling me I wasn't a real woman because I could not have kids. Telling me I was a failure. We went out drinking one night and I completely lost it. We fought badly that night. What I didn't tell you then was that I was in such a dark fucked up place in my head. I missed our old friendship I felt as if things weren't the same. I began feeling Jealous of not only you but jealous of your friend who went out with us that night because even she had a kid and I didn't understand. And then I was jealous of you two's friendship. Because I was so lost at that time. I just needed to be reminded that this wasn't the plan God had for my life I needed to know I wasn't alone and I wasn't a failure for not being able to procreate. I needed to know I was worthy of your brother even if I could not give him children biologically. I never told you all the things going through my head at the time. Instead I went and talked to another "Friend." And told her things I had no business telling her I had no right to speak on something you chose to do years before you met me but I was really not in a good place at that time. I was mad at you and jealous of you and mad at the world. There is absolutely no excuse for that. I should have discussed with you what I was feeling.

If you only knew that I purchased razor blades to end my life back in March right before I got offered the job with the county. I had it all planned out I was going to say I was taking a bath and end my life. I didn't care about the consequences I just wanted to die.I had called out from the job that I did have 3 times that week because I could not get out of bed. I knew I was on the verge of getting fired. I had the night picked out that I was going to do it. I wrote letters to you, your brother, and both of your kids, as well as all my nieces and nephews and my parents. I worked on them for two weeks. I had it planned for the day after your brother's birthday. I had already had the cook out planned for everyone to come over I wanted one last good day with everyone and memories to be made. I went and visited my family that day as well. So as the Friday before his birthday was approaching. I got the call from the county. And again I thought maybe God was reaching out to me saying, " Hold on your break is coming it is going to get better." I truly thought it would. And it did temporarily. Until I couldn't hold that job either. Until I was fired for stupid stuff from my past that I posted to social media. And then I went back down hill. I was jealous, angry, mad, scared, and hurt. I was manic depressive. And I truly became toxic. I went through two office jobs back to back. I had nowhere to live. I knew my luck was running out. I couldn't pay my rent. I was broke. I started borrowing money from people and making up lies and manipulating people in to helping me. It was almost as if I couldn't stop or I couldn't tell the truth to save my life. I blamed everyone else for my problems. I didn't take credit for what I did wrong to put me in the situation I was in. It was always someone else's fault. Like, "Well if my boyfriend hadn't have made me move out I wouldn't be here. " "Well if the county hadn't of checked my face book I would have been fine." Or, "Maybe if the ac company I was working for didn't replace me with their niece."…..And so on and so forth. It was a vicious cycle. And the more little white lies I told the harder it got to be honest. I hadn't prayed in I don't even know long. That was the farthest I had ever gotten away from God in a long time. And it was very evident in the choices I was making during those last couple of months of our friendship.

As I said earlier I will never be able to fix the mistakes of my past. And I know that our friendship will never be able to be reconciled. If sorry alone could fix it I would say sorry a million times as I already have. But sorry just does not cut it. Actions speak louder than words. I have worked really hard in therapy to get better. But for the first couple of weeks after our fall out I was still really sick. And while I am not 100% better. I am 100% better than the toxic person I had turned into. Therapy opened my eyes to a lot of my toxic behaviors. I am so sorry that while I was too busy making everything about me after my last miscarriage that I was too blind to see that you were suffering with depression as well. I am so sorry that I didn't tell you what was really going on with me and maybe if I had there would have been a different outcome. But if none of this would have happened I would have also never seeked out the help I very much needed. Therapy and prayer changed my life for the better. I have learned the world does not revolve around me. I have learned to be honest with someone if I am beginning to feel a certain way. I have learned that venting to other people isn't always the answer. It is better to write it out and keep for your eyes only. I have learned how to keep those depression thoughts at bay and how to talk myself down from panic attacks. I still miss you every single day and what I hate the most is that you're the one person I want to run and tell about how prayer and therapy changed my life. But I can't. All we can both do is move forward with our lives and learn from our past and mistakes. But I will always be cheering you on from the side lines. I will never stop loving you and I will never stop praying for you. I lost your brother throughout all of this too. And while that hurts so freaking much. It doesn't even compare to the pain of losing you. One day in the future when I have hopefully healed from the mess of this year, I hope that I can watch "our" shows without getting teary eyed and wishing you were next to me. I hope I can read a good book saga without thinking of you and our discussions of all of our favorite books and start crying. I hope I can get through the holidays without wanting to end my life because I have spent holidays with you for so long. One day I hope when those situations arise I can remember you and smile for all the good times we shared. You were the very best of me. You will never know how sorry I truly am. I hope that one day when you have healed as well you will remember all the good times we had too. I hope your daughters always remember their crazy Auntie Tricia and how much she loved them. And just always remember that I will always love you and you will always be on my mind. You will never know how grateful I am for the friend that you were to me. I know I will never be able to find a friendship like that again because you are one in a million. Promise me that you will never change. There is nothing wrong with being a good person. And you deserve the moon and the stars.

P.S I also dedicated a song to you over the radio a few weeks ago. It was on wild 95.5 our local station. I asked them to do it at 5:30 because I had assumed you would be on your way home from work and most likely listening to that station. I hear this song and I think of you. So in case you didn't hear it. My dedication was short.

" Ash you will never know how sorry I am and how much I miss you. " The song is called, "You were good to me." By Jeremy Zucker.