Whenever I tell people about how my ex was abusive their first question would always be, “Did he hit you?” And although you were physical with me sometimes, the way you talked to me was so much worse. I think it's important that people realize how much you can hurt someone with your words, without ever laying a finger on them because as messed up as it sounds, sometimes I wish you did hit me. Because that would’ve been more bearable.
I remember when it first started. It was about a year into our relationship and I thought things were going great. It's crazy how long you can know someone and not really know them at all. In the beginning whenever we were fighting, you wouldn’t yell. You wouldn’t say anything at all. You would simply continue driving or doing whatever you were doing and let me cry. But the day you finally opened your mouth to say something back is a day I’ll never forget.
I don’t remember what we were fighting about, probably how you had seen a Snapchat from another guy on my phone (the only other guy I was allowed to talk to was his best friend). But I started crying like I usually did and you suddenly lost it. I’m talking spit flying, screaming in my face lost it. You said to me, “Do you want me to crash this f****** car huh? Would that make you happy?! I'll kill us both”. And of course that just made me cry harder but my crying just made you angrier. You sped up the car and I think at one point I even tried to jump out, I was terrified. We finally made it back to my house and you were so mad at me for getting out of the car you shattered your windshield. And who had to pay for it? Me of course, because it was, “All my fault.”
The weirdest part was when you calmed down. It was like a switch went off inside your head and you were a completely different person. It was like you were drunk and sobered up to realize what a jackass you were being. And then the apologies would start. The long texts filled with, “I love you so much baby please forgive me, I promise this will never happen again.” But it did. I think that’s why it went on for so long, because that person, the person you became when you felt bad was the guy I fell in love with. And I thought dealing with the other guy, the one who yelled at me all the time, was worth it just for those few minutes after the fight.
I know now that you only acted this way because you were cheating on me. I don’t know how many times, maybe it was only once but I know that it happened. Not that this excuses your behavior, but it does explain your insane jealousy. You were afraid that I would finally do what you’d been doing all along. I should have known by the presents and random texts filled with flattery. You felt guilty and you thought that by treating me extra nice it would make up for your in-discrepancies. Well you thought wrong. And I thought you’d like to know that I never did cheat on you. Not even so much as a text, not even so much as emotional cheating. And I’m glad for that, because I know that I did everything right and someone someday will appreciate me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Its important that you know this, because despite all you put me through, I really did love you. But you were no longer the person I fell in love with. The abusive side of you now overshadowed the sweet loving guy I fell in love with, and our bad days outnumbered our good days. I don’t think you’re a bad guy. Just not the guy for me.
Even though those three years were some of the unhappiest days I’ve ever had, they were also some of the happiest. Although the person who can make you the happiest can also make you the unhappiest, which is a deadly combination. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend. I made mistakes too. But that whole time I actually thought I deserved the things you did and said to me. And I now know that’s never okay to let someone constantly control and manipulate you. That’s why I wanted to thank you. The person I am today would never let that happen again, and that’s why I’m glad I went through it. It made me a better person, and for that I am grateful.
I just hope other people can read my story and think hey, if she can do it maybe I can stand up for myself too. I know in most cases people wont listen and need to experience it themselves, but I hope one person will read this and learn from my mistakes. I feel like its easy to read things like this and think “I’ll never be that girl” but its easier than you might think. Just because your boyfriend doesn’t hit you does not mean you’re in a healthy relationship. And I know there are good guys out there, I’m not saying all of them turn out like that. I’m just saying it’s important to know the line between loving someone enough to stay with them despite their flaws, and being abused.
