Almost all of my middle school memories include you in them. Becoming each other's best friends and getting to a point in our lives where we were more comfortable around each other than any other human being. From the time we colored our faces green with Sharpie and I had a reaction to the toxins in the marker — you stayed up in that basement bathroom with me until I could breathe again. Or the time we had a whip cream war in your kitchen at your little brother's birthday party, running around the kitchen and living room, hiding behind your family members who had accepted me as a part of the family and seeing who could mess up whose face and hair the most. I mean hey, I was even in your senior pictures.

I think back on a memory almost every day that included you in it. It’s almost painful to think that you were able to throw everything away for reasons I still don’t understand. Why I drove the hour drive to your house in the middle of the night to work on our friendship, only for you to end it. I want you to know that messed me up. I was a wreck for a few months.

When summer ended so did the pain. I felt happier. I met someone, a really nice guy who treated me like a queen. I no longer needed a best friend who didn’t give me everything I gave to her.

I have to admit that I still stalked your Twitter every once and a while to make sure you were alive. I stayed friends with your mom on Facebook in hopes that maybe every now and then she would post something about you.

I was taken back to see that you ended up not going to the college we dreamed of going to together even after taking tours together, filling out our applications on the same day and both getting accepted. We promised to be roommates and to take all of the same classes. The dreams we had with each other slowly faded away, where dreams stayed dreams.

We didn’t talk for a year. At one point I didn’t think it would be possible for us to not talk for a week. I don’t know what made me text you in the middle of the night that night. I had a bad day and I missed the comfort that you occasionally provided for me. Hearing your voice on the phone that night while I cried was like a drug I thought I would never take again. You told me it was nice to hear from me again too, do you remember that? It felt so good to know my old best friend was back.

We began texting more frequently and getting coffee at our local Starbucks to talk and catch up. We even went out to dinner and had a really great girls night. We began confiding in each other again and it was like we never stopped. I told you about my boyfriend and how great he is. We talked about our jobs that we’ve had for years, who all still worked there and who the other might remember. You confided in me about your new best friend, who you could feel slipping away. I told you to not let another strong friendship go and you apologized for ever making me feel like I was less than my worth. When I gave you the advice about your new best friend I should have been giving you advice about us, because you took it and you started talking to and hanging out with him more. Which is great because he lives closer to you and I can’t always be there.

However, with you spending all your time with someone else I started to feel the neglect again. I would only get a reply every few text messages about us meeting up. Now, I haven’t received a text back in 28 days. I can’t even be bitter about the situation to be completely honest with you. What’s that J. Cole song?

"Fool me one time, shame on you, fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you."

I took a real risk letting you back into my heart, just to be broken again. I’m handling it a lot better than I did last year, though. There’s no tears and no asking why, because, frankly, I do not care. I don’t need to know what about me makes you want to stay as far back as possible. I will just then focus on that flaw and others will see it too.

I’m confident in myself and would like to keep it that way. I’m sorry for how many times I tried to save a friendship that turned out to be nothing.

I will cherish the memories, though. Every Fourth of July I will be just a little sad we aren’t watching the fireworks together in the park like we did every year. I will remember decorating Christmas cookies with you at your grandma's house every year and how she treated me as if I were her second granddaughter. I’d like to thank your parents for all of the sleepovers, letting me crash on the couch and being extra quiet when they left for work as to not wake me. I was blessed to be part of your family for six years. I can’t thank them enough for always treating me like I was a part of the family and I can’t thank you enough for letting me down not once, but twice to help me realize my true value. I hope the universe treats you fair and this letter reaches you one day. It disappoints me to not call you my person anymore.

Good luck out there in the world, God knows we both need it.

XOXO