“I remember the night we first met, we were so young, I can't forget,

How you kissed my face, and you took me home,

I remember the life years ago,

The air mattress on the floor,

That was before a life took control.”

Kesha, "Last Goodbye"

All it took was these sappy sad lyrics about a guy who the singer loved but after a while drifted apart, to bring back the memories of you. Back to the time we would lay and watch movies cuddling, talk about random little things, playing random games, to being content spending the night in each other’s arms and countless other things.

Our story began so differently than what I expected it to be. I didn’t know that with meeting you I would begin to slowly find my way back to a side of me I pushed away for a long time. A side of me that had walls built up so high I thought that it wouldn’t come crumbling down without a fight. I never expected you to be the person to bring me out of this closed off person when it comes to the thought of falling for someone or falling in love again.

The day we met I had just come home for the weekend from college after I had a small operation on my ears which I am sure you didn’t even know about. We had been talking for a few days before you asked me to hang out with you at your place. If I am going to be completely honest I didn’t really want to at the time but after going back and forth for some time I decided what the hell why not? As I was driving the 30 plus minutes to where you are staying I was freaking out in the car wondering who you would be like and hoping I wouldn’t be a complete weirdo.

It took me about two mins to actually find out where about you actually where since I am completely hopeless with directions. Then just as I had a bit of confidence back I realized I was in the wrong driveway and you were outside at a few houses down the street. As soon as I saw you and heard your voice I relaxed as we headed inside.

I never expected this first encounter to turn into late night texting, calling, Snapchatting, and many more trips home to see you. I found myself at the idea of talking to someone and the potential of a relationship. I found myself not looking for something wrong or getting bored so fast and pushing away from the person. I found myself happy and excited to get a message from you and when I could see you next when both our schedules weren’t so busy. I found myself not really wanting to talk or see anyone else, I felt more confident in our situation each time I would see you.

However, I also found myself in a lot of doubt and some nights have silent wars inside my head over you and me. I would get so scared whenever we wouldn’t talk for days or when you would open up a text and not respond. I would have these silly fears that you didn’t want to talk anymore and I did something to make you not want to. When in reality it was something so small like your phone dying or you were busy with soccer. Some days these things wouldn’t bother me at all and I was like eh whatever he’s busy.

As I started to really catch feelings for you, I slowly started having these doubts a lot more. As soon as I would see you these would just melt away and I would find myself getting more and more comfortable around you. As school finished for me I was beyond excited to get home and be able to see you and where summer could lead us.

I never imagined what I looked so forward to would be the very end of it all. Halfway through we hit a rough spot and that’s where I can’t thank you anymore. How you managed to make me feel during one of the scariest moments in my life, something that could have affected the both of us is something I won’t forget. I will never forget the tears and the overbearing fear of what to do and what to even think. You decided to simply ignore the fact as best you could while you left me to deal with everything on my own.

When I needed you the most you simply weren’t there and I don’t think you fully realized how shattering it was. I stuck up for you when everyone said you were no good and a multitude of names. I gave you excuses while I waited for you, figuring you were just as scared as I was. When you finally messaged me I realized it was a misunderstanding at a party we were at together that made you not want to talk until you came to realize the full extent of the situation we were in.

There were a million ways you could have reacted and I didn’t really give you the benefit of the doubt. Instead, you were angry, then upset and finally you were understanding. Even though you were being understanding you still managed to be ice cold. That was the last time we really ever spoke, we went from being this bright spark with a bright future to slowly dying out, becoming a beautiful past. Even then I still would say stay safe and have fun because for whatever reason I still cared so much about you. A few weeks went on and you continued to travel and I continued to work, just pushing my feelings down deep and ignoring how I truly felt until I couldn’t do it anymore.

I was willing to give us a shot after the four months we spent together, but I realized you didn’t see the point as you were going to be leaving to go back home for a few months before coming back to coach again. I still find myself looking at your stories and smiling as I see you happy and living your life. Slowly I realized that you have been my short-lived blessing in disguise despite the crash ending.

Our ending might not have been the one I was hoping for but I am grateful for the time we had, without it, I would still have these walls up and not be willing to feel these feelings the good and bad. I’m grateful to you in more ways than I should be considering everything. You taught me to be confident in my own skin and that I should be proud of the body I have. You taught me to not be so timid and to say what I want to say rather than be told what to do. Instead of just not explaining how I felt or what I meant you would always challenge me to say it. You taught me how to just take life as it is and not be so serious.

You pushed me out of my shell and taught me to be more adventurous and not to be so closed off. With you, there was a lot of laughter, smiles, and a feeling that I don’t think I’ll ever find the words for. You also taught me to see what I deserve and what I don’t deserve when I look for someone. You gave me the push to just live life and experience every part the good and bad and fight my way through it. I doubt you will ever read this but if you do thank you for breaking me down and having me realize just how much I have in me to give to someone who thinks I am worth it. Stay safe wherever you end up and have fun in the new adventures you take on.

“Oh how we lost our minds when we fell in love that night,

Promise me you won’t cry,

This is our last goodbye”

Yours Truly,

Sara