Dear Senior Citizens,
I hope you know that I envy you. I know, I may only be 18 but still, I am excited I am waiting for the day I get to be you. I am going to enjoy my life as I have it at the moment and in the future. I guess my excitement for becoming a senior citizen is actually motivating my life now. I try to live a full and happy life so I know I can survive to, one day, be as old, as wrinkly, and as crazy as you. Why do I feel this way you may ask, there are many reasons. Now I will make a list of the reasons I strive to be just like you.
1. You get discounts on food and movies just because you are closer to dying:
You may read this and be like “THAT’S NOT THE ONLY REASON WE GET DISCOUNTS,” but for real, what is the reason you get a discount? You eat less? Um no, my grandpa is old and sometimes eats more than my sisters and I all combined. And we can eat a lot. It can't be because you are “crippled,” you just have to sit there and get food handed to you or sit there and watch a movie. Is it because you don’t have jobs? The government gives you money, so obviously you don’t have to worry about being poor. It is honestly just because you are closer to death. Use that time, get those discounts.
2. You get dentures:
You get teeth that you can take out of your mouth. You never have to worry about braces, clean teeth, or that they are not white enough. Of course they are straight, they are fake, they are clean as long as you soak them, and duh they are white, it is fake! Oh and the best part, you know how girls get in fights they are like “Hold my earrings!” and then they go at each other, but no, as an old person you can be like, “HOLD MY DENTURES!” Can you imagine how fierce that is!
3. You don’t have to work or go to school:
You finished high school, you worked until you legally didn’t have to, AND NOW YOU ARE FREE! You are free to use your money that you earned, and the money the government gives you to do whatever the heck you want. You can go and further your education if you please, or you can just chill out or do crazy things you didn’t do when you were young.
4. You can act crazy and no one can tell you otherwise because they just think you are crazy:
It's completely okay if you are mentally insane, go you, you do you. But if you aren’t, you can pretend to be and no one can do anything about it. You can go to your HOA meetings and beg to turn your community into a cult, a cult that worships cats. They aren’t going to kick you out of your neighborhood, they are just going to think you are a cute little mental old person and they will end up cheering you on. Honestly, they may think you are crazy, but they won’t do anything about it. You can rob a store, and when you get caught, you can say you forgot to take your medication, and the cops will just let you go.
5. Lastly, you can cause uprisings in your old person community:
If your attempt to turn your community into a cat worshiping cult fails, they will move you into an old folk’s community. Then, when you are there, you can cause the old people to rebel and break the rules. You can have golf kart races, you can cheat at chess and bingo, you can steal food from the cafeteria, you can pretend to have serious “health issue” but then get better, you can have a crush and flirt with the hot nurses, and no one will do anything to you, except love you and think you are cute.
I know you may not see the brightness in the life you are living, but I see it and I envy it. At the moment your life could be tough, but you have it made and I suggest that you enjoy your life as you have it.
Sincerely, the person who wants to be you.
