Dear Anxiety,
I would really like to thank you for what you have done for me over the years, that we have known each other. All the social events that I had to say no to because I just knew you would make me freeze up, unsure of myself. The friendships that I could've had but didn't because yet again you got in the way. The way you make me panic when I want to do something, but can't. You inched your way into my life and some reason your claws have sunk deep into my skin.
Throughout the years that we have know each other, I blamed myself for not having friends. Am I too weird? Am I not good enough for people? Is the concept that your claws are in my skin the reason why I can't go out and have fun? To be completely honest, I don't know if you are to blame for me not having friends, but I do know that you are a big reason why.
You're the reason why I stick close to people I know at a social gatherings, because all I want to do is go home and hide beneath the covers. You're the reason why I almost didn't go on the trip to Ohio next weekend, and you are the reason why I am rooming with my friend when I go to a convention in a couple weeks.. BECAUSE OF YOU! Every time I try and have fun, try and make friends, you make me weak and shy, quiet and weird.
Now, I don't even have to wait to feel your embrace, because I know when you going to come, the feeling of my heartbeat increasing, my stomach rolling into itself, my heart skipping a beat, my smile disappears, my eyes stare at the floor, you make those feelings happen. You make me have panic attacks.
One of those panic attacks happened the other night, after an awful day of trying to tell people what I need from them as friends. I was just siting down to do homework when the exhaustion came over me, quick like a rain storm. My lungs wouldn't work, I felt like a was suffocating and hyperventilating at the same time. I couldn't focus on finishing an important paper that was due the next morning. I SIMPLY COULDN'T DEAL.
This time I am done, I am sick and tired of feeling you creep in every time I have fun. I want to make friends, I want to go out and have fun without relying on my dogs to help me. Its going to take awhile to detach your claws from my skin, since you have them in so deep, but I will get rid of you, or in the very least not care that you are still here.
Sincerely,
The girl you need to stop messing with.
