Some of you I loved, Some I could have. You were here for a moment, or maybe for years. Maybe we were best friends, or practically strangers. This is a letter to every boy in my life, every one that I saw potential in or who saw it in me. All of the could have, would have, and should have boys. My lost boys.
Somewhere in a land far away, the mythical island of Neverland is home to a bunch of boys. Boys who have run away, kept searching for something more in the world, and boys who seem to have simply just disappeared. I’ve often imagined this fairy tale world filled with the boys that never wanted to grow up, whom for whatever reason this world just wasn’t right for. How can they just be here one minute and gone the next? What did they leave behind? Are there people that love them? Miss them? Think about them from time to time? Everyone seems to focus on the life of these lost boys, their adventures, their “after”, but I found myself thinking about everything that must have come before. I couldn’t help but wonder too about leaving people behind, about the act of moving on and away from people who were once apart of your life. Everyone has a past right? Even lost boys.
I have my own lost boys. But they aren’t the kind that are having Neverland adventures and being chased by Captain Hook. They aren’t the kind of boys from any stories, except for my own. These are the boys who have come into my life for whatever reason, however long or briefly, and awakened something. These are the boys that have touched my heart, but didn’t quite make a home for themselves there. My lost boys are the connections left unpursued, the boys whose texts made my face light up as bright as my phone screen, the summer crushes, the first dates, the friends who felt like more. Every one of you, whether you know it or not, left a lasting mark on me. Whether it was a lesson from being burned, or a lasting sweet memory, or in some cases, both, I wouldn't change a single thing about those times though, because they taught me something about being lost, and even more about wanting to be found.
The reasons you became lost to me are varied. Some I chose to walk away from, others left me behind. Some I just realized were better to leave that part of our relationship lost, but find you in so many other ways. I want you to know that I don’t have regrets. The times I have spent with people who meant something to me, who connected with me on some level and brought something new into my frame of reference are never something I can bring myself to regret because at one time, you were exactly what I thought I wanted or needed. I’m thankful for these missed connections, for everything that didn’t work out, and for all that we taught each other. I let go of the could haves and wishes I had for you lost boys, because I realized that every lost boy I leave behind gives me more time to find the boy who will always remain found. So I’ll be waiting, looking at that same star,the second one to the right, from my window. Wishing all my lost boys well and believing in the faith, trust, and maybe some pixie dust to bring me my Peter Pan.
