An Open Letter to my Guardian Angel, Gina

An Open Letter to my Guardian Angel, Gina

You'll always be my number one. May you Rest in Peace.

I consistently hear my peers tell me about how they do not remember anything from their childhood, nothing prior to about age six or seven anyway. For some reason, I remember everything about you even though you left me when I was five years old. You were my best friend. You were my only friend, if I'm being honest.

I remember certain days in particular. Sometimes I smile, but more often than not, I cry when I think of them. It's been 14 years but it hasn't gotten any easier to be without you.

I remember pulling up to a Burger King on a hot summer day about a year before you died. I stood by the car while our parents struggled to get your wheel chair out of the back. We laughed at them. How could two grown men struggle so much with one tiny wheelchair? As far as I knew, you were a girl just like me but with a twist. You didn't have to walk around. I thought it was awesome. I didn't know any better. I was only five years old.

I remember dressing up like Disney Princesses at your house for your birthday that year. Looking back on it now, I'm glad nobody told me it would be your last birthday. I'm glad you didn't know either. That night we got to be young girls playing dress up without a care in the world. You were such a fun person to be around. Your heart was pure and your sass was effortless. I like to think I got my sass from you!

I'll never forget the morning I got the news. I was young, so I was ignorant. I figured you were just different. You spent a lot of time in the hospital but everyone always told me you would be okay. I believed them. So the night you passed, when my parents left me with my grandparents and stormed off in the middle of the night, I had no idea what was going on. I woke up to my mom in the hallway waiting for me. She looked so sad. I may have been five years old but even 14 years later, I can tell you exactly how she started off this conversation. She said "sit down baby, I have to tell you something. It's about Gina."

I may have been sitting down but I felt my legs go numb and I could have sworn I was falling. I like to think the only reason I eventually got up out of that chair was because you lifted me out of it. I was far from okay though. I screamed for hours and hours until I tired myself out. The following day mirrored the days prior.

I like to think that you got to experience everything in Heaven that you missed out on here, like prom, getting married, having a family. You would've been the most beautiful bride and I would've thrown you the best Bridal Shower ever. Even today, whenever I see a butterfly, I think of you. The Monarchs were your favorite. You said you loved the colors. You said you loved how small and gentle they were.

The Monarch butterfly is you.

It is small and it is beautiful. It is swift and it is gentle. It is fearless. It flies towards us fully knowing we could destroy it with ease, trusting that we won't. That was you. You faced life with a charisma that many of us lack. You smiled when you were in pain and found joy in the saddest of times. Many adults try for years and years to build that sort of charisma, that sort of strength. We all fall short time and time again. Yet it was effortless for you. You believed in the Father without question and I think because of that, He instilled in you a unwavering courage that left us all at a loss for words.

I miss you. I love you.

I buried a piece of my heart along with you. With you it will stay, forever. Until we meet again, Princess... Please continue to watch over me.


Your Best Friend Yoselyn

Cover Image Credit: Yoselyn Feliz

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To The Boy Who Will Love Me Next

If you can't understand these few things, leave before things get too involved

To the boy that will love me next, I need you to know and understand things about me and my past. The things I have been though not only have shaped the person I’ve become, but also sometimes controls my life. In the past I’ve been used, abused, and taken for granted, and I want something real this time. The guys before you were just boys; they didn’t know how to treat me until it was too late. They didn’t understand how to love me, until I broke my own heart. Before you truly decide to love me I want you to understand these things.

When I tell you something, please listen.

I’m my own person, I want to be loved a certain way. If I ask you to come over and watch movies with me please do it, if I ask for you to leave me alone for a few hours because it’s a girl’s night please do it. I don’t just say things to hear my own voice, I say things to you because it’s important to my life and the way I want to be loved. I’m not a needy person when it comes to being loved and cared for, but I do ask for you to do the small things that I am say.

Forgive my past.

My past is not a pretty brick road, it is a highway that has a bunch of potholes and cracks in it. I have a lot of baggage, and most of it you won’t understand. But don’t let my past decided whether you want to love me or not. My past has helped form who I am today, but it does not define who I am. My past experiences might try and make an appearance every once in a while, but I will not go back to that person I once was, I will not return to all that hurt I once went though. When I say those things, I’m telling the complete and honest truth. I relive my past every day, somethings haunt me and somethings are good reminds. But for you to love me, I need you to accept my past, present and future.

I’m just another bro to the other guys.

I have always hung out with boys, I don’t fit in with the girl groups. I have 10 close girlfriends, but the majority of my friends are guy, but don’t let this scare you. If I wanted to be with one of my guy friends I would already be with him, and if you haven’t noticed I don’t want them because I’m with you. I will not lose my friendships with all my guy friends to be able to stay with you. I will not cut off ties because you don’t like my guy friends. I have lost too many buddies because of my ex-boyfriends and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again. If you don’t like how many guy friends I have you can leave now. Don’t bother trying to date me if you can accept the fact I’m just another bro.

I might be a badass, but I actually have a big heart.

To a lot of people I come off to be a very crazy and wild girl. I will agree I can be crazy and wild, but I’m more than that. I’m independent, caring, responsible, understanding, forgiving, and so such more type of woman. Many people think that I’m a badass because I don’t take any negatively from anyone. Just like we learned when we were younger, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all.” Most people can’t do that in today’s world, so I stick up for myself and my friends. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, or their option on how I live my life. The only thing I care about is being able to make myself happy. Even though I’m an independent woman, understand that I do have a big heart. Honesty when I truly care for someone I will do just about anything they ask, but don’t take advantage of this. Once you take advantage of this part of me, all respect will be lost for you.

I’m hard to love.

Sometimes I want to be cuddle and get attention, and sometimes I don’t want you to talk to me for a couple hours. Sometimes I want you to take me out for a nice meal, but sometimes I want a home cooked meal. Every day is different for me, sometimes I change my mind every hour. My mood swings are terrible on certain days, and on those days you should probably just ignore me. I’m not easy to love, so you’ll either be willing to find a way to love me, or you’ll walk out like so many others have.

I’m scared.

I’m scared to love someone again. I’ve been hurt, heartbroken, and beat to the ground in my past relationships. I want to believe you are different, I want to hope things will truly work out, but every relationship has always ended up the same way. I’m scared to trust someone, put my whole heart into them, just to be left and heartbroken again. I sick and tired of putting my whole body and soul into someone for them to just leave when it is convenient for them. If you want to love me, understand it won’t be easy for me to love you back.

When “I’m done.”

When I say “I’m done” I honestly don’t mean that I’m done. When I say that it means I need and want you to fight for me, show me why you want to be with me. I need you to prove that I’m worth it and there’s no one else but me. If I was truly done, I would just walk away, and not come back. So if I ever tell you, “I’m done,” tell me all the reasons why I’m truly not done.

For the boy who will love me next, the work is cut out for you, you just have to be willing to do it. I’m not like other girls, I am my own person, and I will need to be treated as such. For the boy that will love me next, don’t bother with me unless you really want to be with me. I don’t have time to waste on you if you aren’t going to try and make something out of us. To the boy who will love me next, the last thing I would like to say is good luck, I have faith in you.

Cover Image Credit: Danielle Balint

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Goodbye School, Hello Real World

I'm ready for ya!


It's starting to hit me.

I've been in school, year after year, since kindergarten. Maybe even pre-school!

Now, I'm about to graduate with my bachelors in communication and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I'll say it. I often sugarcoat it or suppress it but d*mn it. I'm going to applaud myself. It was hard work. It took a lot of motivation, determination, (caffeine), and willpower to get to where I am today. I worked my ass off.

That being said, I can't help but think... What is life without due dates? What is life like without scrambling to turn in an assignment that's due at 11:59 PM? What is life like with actual sleep? Sleep? I don't know her.

Like I keep telling my boyfriend and my parents, I don't have it all figured out. At least not right now. But I will, and I'm in no rush to land my dream job right now. If anything, I want to take a year to myself. I want to travel. I want to sleep in if I d*mn well please! I want to read as many books as I want. I want to write till my fingers fall off (OK, maybe not that).

You get the jist.

I'm free. I can do and be whatever I want. And you know what? That's terrifying.

I'm lost. I've followed this structure for so long. Now what?

I don't have all the answers yet. But for now, at least right at this very moment, I'm so thankful to have been able to receive such an amazing education. And to be able to say I'm graduating with my bachelors in communication at 21 is an accomplishment in itself.

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