Dear Future Boyfriend,
I'm sure you are wonderful. You really, really are. To deal with my craziness and all my quirks and cheesy jokes is really something special. But I have to let you in on a little secret: I'm damaged.
There are times in every girl's life where she has been hurt too many times. She has been with so many horrible, awful guys. Guys that didn't care about her, didn't love her. Guys that used her. So now she doesn't even know how to be loved anymore. This is me. I've been with cheaters. I've been with liars. I've been with boys who didn't care about me. I've cried myself to sleep so often, that it almost feels like a normal thing to me. I'm broken.
"Boys will hurt you," they always say. "But someday, you'll find the right one." I want you to know that by me opening up to you and letting you in is a huge accomplishment, because right now, I feel unlovable. I can't open myself up to anyone because all I can think about is the inevitable: the heartbreak.
There will be times when I ask you too many times why you like me. You will tell me and I won't believe you. You see, it's not you. I will think about all the other times that a guy has told me that. That a guy has let me down and broken me. There will be times where I will just cry for no reason because you have said something or did something that brings me flashing black to a relationship gone sour. I have poured my heart and soul into every relationship I've been in, only for it to come crashing down all around me. I could do nothing to stop it. No amount of crying, begging, kissing and pleading could do any good. They left me, or they made it impossible for me to stay. I may be stronger now for it, but the scars they left on me I don't think will ever heal.
I may not totally admit it now, but I am so broken I physically cannot open myself up to anyone else. I'm too afraid. I won't be able to love you fully until I can really let go and I'm not sure how long that will take. It could be weeks, months, or even years. I'm just so scared to commit because I'm afraid of making all those same mistakes again. Because you see, if I am to date again, it has to be absolutely perfect. He has to be THE ONE. I want him to sweep me off my feet and do everything I have ever wanted. But, I have to remind myself, that this person may not exist. But, Future Boyfriend, I am giving you a chance. I am entrusting you with this broken, shattered, battered heart in hopes that you will be the one with the stitches and I really hope that you are.
I'm sorry that I'm broken. I'm sorry that I'm damaged. I understand if you have to leave me because you can't handle it, but don't worry, I'm used to that.
The truth is, right now, I'm scared. I'm terrified. I don't know if my heart and my mind can handle another break up. Another guy that was just face value, who wasn't who I thought he was. Who was just there to use and abuse me. He knew all the right things to say and the second I fell for him, he didn't catch me, he let me skin my knees on the pavement. I need someone to sew my heart back together, but the truth is, I don't know if he's out there and until he arrives, I fear I am doomed to be alone.
However, even though I may be damaged, I do want you to know that I'm worth it. I'm not sure what the future holds for me, but if you truly are my person, I want you to know that once you break down these industrial walls and get the sewing needles out, I promise you that I will be phenomenal. I will love you unconditionally. I will remember what you say. I will bring you your favorite foods and make you sandwiches. I will sing to you and I will do anything to make you smile. I will call you up and tell you that we're going on an adventure and I promise you, you will never be bored with me. Every day is an adventure. It just might take a little longer to peel back my layers, but when you do, it will all be worth it.
Thank you Future Boyfriend for taking this chance with me. And for now, broken heart, just know that you haven't won yet.