Hi Dad,

It's been two months since we've last talked, almost a year since I've last seen you, and eight years since I've really known who you are. It's been eight years since you changed. It's been eight years since you decided that someone other than my mom was better for you. It's been eight years since I found out you were cheating and it has been eight years since you walked away from us. It feels like my relationship with you has stood still for those eight years. For six of those eight years, I'd see you once a week for four hours because that's all you wanted to see of me; but still, you knew nothing about me. You saw me grow up in those weekly four hour blocks but you didn't watch me become who I am. To you, I'm still the 11-year-old brat who was lazy, unmotivated, and a huge crybaby. Let me get you up to date with my 19-year-old self that you haven't cared to take the time to get to know.

I'm 19 years old. Not 11 years old, 19. Years. Old. I live in by myself at school, I keep my room clean, I do my laundry once a week, and I actually enjoy making my bed. I'm still not the greatest at saving money and I still cry over just about everything, but life is a work in progress.

I have three jobs right now. One for the summer where I work with pre-k through first grade aged kids. They all love me and call me teacher even though they know my name. Looking at them makes me so happy because no one has taken away the fireworks burning bright inside of them, they don't know how ugly the world can get and how much one person can hurt you. Their never-ending happiness gives me hope. I have another job at school where I dispatch for the vans that take physically disabled students to and from their classes and to other places around campus and town as well. It brightens my day when I'm able to talk to these students on the phone or when they come into the office asking for rides. They are some of the sweetest people I met and it is so cool to me that they don't let their disabilities, no matter how severe, get in the way of pursuing their dreams. And then, my newest job, is the one you're reading right now. I'm a co-Editor-in-Chief with one of my best friends from school for the UWW affiliate of Odyssey. I get the opportunity to put my thoughts out into the world in articles and people actually enjoy reading what I have to say. Along with the other Editor-in-Chief, we are in charge of our UWW staff and we edit everyone's articles and make sure everything is going smoothly. This has been one of my favorite opportunities so far in college.

I'm also in a sorority. I've met some really incredible people through it and they all push me to be a better person. Being a part of this sorority has made me happier than I've ever been. I've met my best friend, my future maid of honor and bridesmaids through it. I never knew it was possible to have this great of people, not just friends, but sisters.

I've just been a happier person in general. Moving to college really has changed who I am. I've taken back control of my life. I had spiraled out of control for so long since you left. When you left, my world fell apart, but I'm finally starting to get strong enough to put all the pieces back together. I cut my hair, decided going to the gym and dieting made me more miserable than happy, and kicked my self-harm habit to the curb after seven years. I learned to love all 5 feet, 6 and a half inches, and 237 pounds of myself. I don't hate what I see in the mirror anymore and it's like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I love school. I've changed my major four times and am set on the major of Music Education. I love going to class and learning about what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. I don't mind doing homework or studying either. I love seeing that I'm getting good grades. I made the Dean's List my first semester and ended up with a 3.2 GPA at the end of my first year. Going from nearly not graduating from high school to succeeding with flying colors in college, I'd say I've changed a lot.

I'm still with Daryle and he makes me so happy. You don't know much about him because every time I would bring him or us up you would roll your eyes or sigh because you didn't care so I'd change the subject, but I need you to know he has become very important to me. We've been together for almost three and a half years. He goes to school in Nebraska and long distance is hard, but it never gets in the way. I really do believe he is the one, Dad. I can't see me being with anyone else but him and that makes me the happiest.

My life is moving on without you and I'm not sure if you even care. The last time we had dinner, you told me you are no longer going to call me, that I would have to call you if I wanted to be considered a part of your family and that if I didn't, I would be missing out. But isn't it you who also said that a phone works both ways? Since I first went to school in July last year, it has always been me calling. I'd call to tell you about how I'm doing, when I was coming home, and if you wanted to have dinner. After a year of the communication always being from my end, I'm so tired of having to call. I understand that for the longest time, it was from your end, but it was a different time and I am no longer the immature, irresponsible little girl you once knew. You told me that you and your wife talk about me everyday, but for some reason that isn't enough for you to want to pick up the phone. You are my father, you should care about me, you should want to know how I'm doing, but you don't. You can say you do all you want, but actions speak louder than words and if you really cared, you'd pick up the phone and call to make sure I'm doing okay.

I'm not sure why I was never enough for you and why you didn't want anything to do with me and I don't know if I ever will or if I want to. I don't know if you will ever actually find this letter, but I hope you do. After years of being scared to say how I feel about you, I'm finally bigger and stronger, and I know who I am and no matter what cruel or rude things you have to say back, they can't hurt me. Maybe you'll read this and have some epiphany and your caller ID will show up on my phone or your name will show up in my emails since you know how much I don't like talking on the phone. Maybe you'll read this and I'll never know. Maybe this letter will never find you. But if it does, please just know I'm happier than I've ever been and I wish you were here to see it. I hope you're happy too.

Love,

Amy