To the New Boyfriend,
You probably didn't think you'd ever have to read one of these, and frankly I never thought I'd be writing one of these, but there are a few things that I felt like I needed to get off my chest as you are the new object of my ex-girlfriend's affection. We have a quite a bit in common, you and I—we both have worlds widely shaken by the same incredible woman. But, since she has chosen you as the man to replace me, I wanted to give you some pointers so that she never has to go through a break up again in her life. I think that we can both agree that she doesn't deserve to experience any pain.
You are about to fall deeply, indescribably, madly in love with the most radical, life changing woman in the entire world. From her smile, her hair, her scent, her softness, her voice...everything about her is about to change your entire life. Don't be afraid to tell her how scared you are of these new feelings, how intense you suddenly feel for her. She loves hearing that. It will make her fall hard for you, too.
She has a lot of anxieties, and even though many of them don't make sense to you, they have deep rooted fear inside of her soul. Be understanding and loving and patient with her anxiety. It's not going to go away, but it will endear you to all ends.
You'll have to kill all of the spiders and bugs, open new jars for her, and reach things from the top shelf even if you aren't that much taller than her. Don't let this annoy you. She relies upon you because she trusts you.
She likes animals, so take her places where she can see them, i.e. zoos, pet stores, dog parks... Let her touch any animal she wants. They seem drawn to her kind spirit.
Learn how to cook for her. She will never stop loving you if you can cook delicious meals for her.
Always give her the aux cord. She has the most beautiful voice in the world and I promise you'll never hear music the same when listening to her harmonize with the radio.
Take her dancing. She'll try to fight back and say she's a terrible dancer, but the truth is that she loves to dress up and do her hair and makeup and she looks damn good out on dance floor. Give yourself a good reason to show her off; you have the most beautiful woman in the world on your arm.
Let her take pictures of you. She spent a lot of money on that fancy Canon, so give her excuses to use it. Take her on adventures to grocery stores and beaches and parks and tell her to make sure she brings that camera of hers. Tell her how much you love her art. She is beyond talented.
Halloween is her favorite holiday, so make sure you spend more time celebrating it than any other holiday. She'll love you for that, I promise. Take her on hay rides and pumpkin adventures and corn mazes and to haunted houses and creepy abandoned buildings and scary movies year round if you can. Keep the child in her alive with excitement.
Stay close to home with her. She doesn't do distance well because she forgets how much you love her when she doesn't see you for a few days. It's not her fault, it's just how she is wired. You have to remind her every day that she is your whole world. Don't miss a single day.
If you can do all of these things for her, and even more...I do not have a doubt in my mind that you will be everything that I never was for her. You will be her knight in shining armor, the man of her dreams. Please make as many happy memories with her as you can. Never forget how lucky you are to have her. I wish the two of you endless happiness and love.
With the most wamest of wishes,