I was planning on writing something casual, funny, and lighthearted, but today became of too much importance to write about anything else. I've decided that this week was going to change my life, and this is the final nail in the coffin to leaving my past behind me. Here's an open letter to the most challenging years of my life. I vividly remember the first night you came to me. Although I can't describe the exact weather or what I was wearing, I can recall how different it was at the time and completely unaware of the effects you would have in the following six years of my life. You've followed me around three countries, two schools and one girlfriend and I can't begin to describe how much happier I might've been without you shadowing me, but I can't deny I've learned so much from you as well. One can argue that is was just a grandiose design to shape me who I am, and another can say the opposite. I hope you can relate to your own struggles now, and avoid so many years of hurt.

Dear Self-Struggle,

Very early on, I didn't know how unaware of and fundamentally wrong you were for me. Everything felt so right and carefree. It was so innocent several months into our relationship. We didn't fight, and we didn't disagree on anything. I had absolutely no idea who you really were in between the lines. It's true what they say: The devil's in the details.
You would haunt me for several years to come; you began to affect my personal life. I couldn't look at anyone without doing wrong and soon I lost confidence or lack thereof. Ergo, you breached every corner of my social life, constricting my social skills and creating an anxiety that constantly choked me up. You began to psychologically infect me until the only way I could somehow breathe was to become desensitized by you, essentially becoming you. I started to like you, and soon found myself enjoying myself getting hurt. That was the most debilitating sentiment I'd ever have to endure.

And so, for most of my high school years, and first year in college, I was a disfigured human - A human being whom I couldn't decipher. Despite my seemingly normal physical appearance, I acted arrogantly around those whom I found inferior to me, and I became jealous at those who were viewed as superior. Each morning brought an intense anger and for years I took it out on family, friends, and even strangers as I didn't realize I was only furious with myself. I no longer focused on myself but focused on making others miserable. I went about life, not recognizing I was living a false reality, and one that would soon crush me post graduation. I knew you did this to me, but within the confines of my mind and my heart, I knew I really did this to myself. I wanted to run from you, but I couldn't. You can't escape from yourself.

During my second semester, I had an epiphany about you. I didn't need you as much as I figured. I almost escaped your grasp and I found peace a short few weeks without you; they were some of the best days of my life. Unfortunately, it was short-lived as I relapsed as soon as I can remember. I tried talking to friends, family and sometimes strangers about you, hopelessly looking for advice I wanted to hear. It failed. Soon I fell into a depression, not being able to work, focus on school, and be social. I felt like my life would mimic these continuous events forever. I tried to describe to a psychologist how I felt: a vacuumless dark mass where my chest was, where I was falling for eternity. Those were some of the most terrifying days of my life.

I continued to struggle through most of the rest of the semester and through the summer, where I traveled to Dubai and Lebanon hoping things would change being around so much family, hoping their influence could turn me around. It failed. I desperately tried many solutions that never succeeded, which only added to the feeling of failure each night. I was a broken record player, a flightless bird.

9 months later, I had to leave you. One of the most difficult things I'd have to do and still a struggle each day. I'm an indescribable version of happy without you. Every day gets a little better with family, friends and God guiding me through this roller coaster of a life. Some nights, I still feel like you're there, but it is then that I must remember that some of the most successful futures have persevered through the most helpless of nights.