Before I begin, I just want to say that this was extremely hard for me to write. I have kept this part of my life a secret for close to a year now, so sharing this experience and my feelings about it is not an easy task. I have debated on wether or not I should even continue writing, but God keeps my fingers moving over they keys.
Last February, I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked, excited, confused, and scared to death. Just six days after finding out that I was about to be blessed with the most precious and perfect gift from God, I had a miscarriage. I wasn't that far along -- just about six weeks. The 6-week-old gift living inside me had a heartbeat, tiny hands and feet, and had just started developing a tongue and vocal cords. I know my experience could have been worse, seeing as I was just six weeks along, but this was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. This is my open letter to my angel.
I never got to hold you. I never got to rock you to sleep, then watch silently as you breathe in and out in the most perfect rhythm. I never got to smell your sweet baby scent. I will never be able to let you feed yourself, only for you to get baby food all over the place. I will never get the chance to help you take your first steps and pick you up when you fall trying. I will never be able to hear you call my name in your little voice. I will never have any photos on my walls of you and me. I won't ever get to hear you tell me you love me, but I love you.
I will never be able to drop you off at your first day of school, and cry the whole way home because I realize you're growing up. I won't ever be able to help you find a hobby or sport you're interested in, and yell, "Put my kid in, Coach!" at the top of my lungs until you're embarrassed. I will never be the one you yell for when you have a bad dream, or cuddle with when there is a storm, but I love you.
I will never be able to watch you grow and become your own person. I won't ever be able to laugh at your jokes. I will never teach you how to drive. I won't be able to send you off to prom, but not without taking a million pictures. I won't able to watch you go on your first date. I won't be able to stay up late to help you with your homework when you need my help. I will never get to nervously watch you drive off to school when you turn 16 years old. I won't ever be able to be the most proud momma in the world while watching you graduate high school, then send you off to college. I will never get to watch you grow into an adult and find a spouse, get married, then have a family of your own, but I love you.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and how old you would be had you not gone to Heaven so soon. I fell in love with you the day I found out about you, and I will never ever stop loving you. You will forever and always be my baby.
Love,
Your momma
