You won today. I've waited until almost the bitter end to write this article, I knew I had to write it, I knew when it was due, and yet I didn't even attempt to start it until the night before it was due. Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't have time, I honestly can't explain why, because that's just what happens with a brain like mine. A brain with you.

For as long as I can remember, you've made it almost impossible to focus on just one task, impossible to start projects that seem too overwhelming, impossible to finish things that seem to take too long. You made me different. At first, as a kid, I couldn't explain why I talked too much, why I could hear the teacher talking, but not remember a word she said. I didn't understand why I could read my textbooks, and not retain a thing, but then read a storybook and remember the entire thing. My parents couldn't understand why I would forget to bring my homework home - or when I did bring it, why it was so hard for me to actually do it. Then you came along.

You were the answer to these problems. You were the reason why I I couldn't sit still, why I needed to always be doing something. Why I fidgeted too much, why I constantly seemed distracted. My parent's understood, but I didn't. I was around 10, it was fifth grade. To me, you didn't seem like an answer, you seemed like a curse. As I said, you made me different. I started to feel like something was wrong with me, like I was "bad" because of you. All of a sudden I needed to start taking medicine to help with you, to feel and be able to do "better".

I can't really say if I ever felt "better" , it did seem to make you go away, sometimes. But, that came with some trade-offs. I would have days where I just couldn't go to sleep, I lost a lot of weight and didn't have much appetite, but could do my homework better, and I stopped getting in trouble so much.

As I got older, a teenager, I didn't want to deal with you anymore. I didn't want to be different anymore. I didn't want to have to take medications, and have meetings with teachers to talk about you. I wanted to be "normal" or at least what I thought normal was. I decided I could deal with you on my own. I stopped taking the medicine and let you come out. I was determined that I could beat you. That I could control you. I couldn't, I still can't sometimes.

High school was hard, and college is worse. You give me a lot of trouble some days. I would completely forget to do assignments in high school. Wait to do 16 page papers until the night before they were due. I got discouraged easily, and I felt as though I just wasn't smart enough, good enough. I wanted to do well, I still do. I try to do well, and sometimes I can. And sometimes, like today, you get the best of me. The hardest part isn't just you, it's your friends anxiety and depression that come out to play sometimes.

I've started every semester by saying "this is the time I'll get it right, I know what I need to do, I. Got. This". Some semesters are better than others, but usually I end up feeling like I could have done better. I've gone through periods of time where I feel more in control, and times where I feel completely hopeless. I've changed my college major multiple times, always feeling like I'm aiming too high and that someone like me could never succeed in those fields. I hate letting you win. I hate not doing my best in school because I feel like it's too hard. I hate that you've become a part of my adult life and hinder me from doing my basic adult responsibilities. I hate letting my laundry stack up, and my kitchen accumulate dishes, because I feel too overwhelmed to start.

But the thing is, it's not just you. It's me too, I can control you, I can defeat you. I used to think you would go away, but you won't, you never will. You're how my brain will always work, and you know what? That's okay, that's who I am. I know myself, and I know you just as well. I know what works for us, and what doesn't. And I am done letting you win all the time. You won today ADHD, but I won't let that stop me. I can win too. And I intend too. There will always be days that are worse than others, but I cannot use you as a crutch. I know us, and I know my own strength as well.