Louis,
I had a dream last night that I got to thank you. Something so simple, really. We thank people all the time. Waiters, baristas, people who say "bless you" after we sneeze, those who hold open doors for us. But this thank you meant something a bit more. I've dreamt about you plenty of times. In every single one, you always give me the same look. This look where you know that I have something I need to say. More often than not, in these dreams, you pull me aside and hold me until I spill everything. You've held my face, you've gripped my shoulders while I hold your face in my hands, you've hugged me and swung me side to side, you've caught me as I've jumped into your arms while I bury my face in your neck. While your exact actions are different in every single dream, the recurring theme is steady: I get to thank you. And you hear me.
Thank you for what, exactly?
I thank you for saving my life. I thank you for being my light. For being the only person that could have gotten through to me that night many years ago. For stopping me from doing something that would have prevented me from sitting here today, alive and breathing. For making me smile and laugh even when I'm overcome with anxiety and self-hatred. For showing me the true meaning of strength and bravery. For being someone I can always rely on for a distraction from reality. For looking after me.
So, with all that you've done for me, it's hard for me to sit here and not be able to do anything for you right now. The past few weeks have been nothing but a blur for you, I'm sure. You've released an incredible song that is slaying the charts. And while this should be a completely joyous occasion, the meaning behind the song weighs it down for sure. Your mom was so proud of you, Louis, and I know she still is. She's watching you right now with the biggest smile on her face, sending back a kiss after every one you send her way.
I sit here today, watching you continue to flourish and I feel so proud. I feel proud of who you're becoming and I'm proud to see you as someone eternally part of my identity in every sense of the word. All I have to do, you know, is look down at my left forearm to see your scrawl permanently etched into my skin. I carry your message with me everywhere I go.
Don't ever stop smiling, sunshine.
Love,
Courtney
