I was never quite comfortable with my body.
I always squirmed around and looked at myself from all angles in the dressing room. I wore shorts to pool parties or avoided them altogether. I would always be aware if I was the heaviest person in the room. I’d feel self conscious about what I ate. I hated wearing anything that showed my arms and shoulders. I was always worried when I went shopping that nothing would fit me and it would all make me look huge.
I wasn’t the only one who noticed how I looked. Other people noticed too. And they were not shy about their opinions on my body.
Nobody ever called me fat to my face. That would just be flat out rude. Instead, they got sneaky in their word choice. I went through years of people just barely stopping short of calling me fat. All those “looks” and backhanded comments did not go unnoticed by me.
So today, I want to write an open letter to all of you.
This goes out to the guy I dated once who said “That’s a lot of food…” when he looked at my plate in the cafeteria.
This goes out to my "friend" in high school who told me "Wow, you must be hungry today..." when I ate a giant plate of chicken and fries at lunch.
This goes out to the sales associate who said “We have some really cute one pieces if you are interested” when I was looking at bikinis.
This goes out to a date I had who eagerly asked, “You still plan on losing more weight, right?” when I told him I had already lost ten pounds.
This goes out to my high school bully, who mockingly said, “Hey sexy, you busy tonight?”
This goes out to another guy I dated who said, “Well maybe if I focus on gaining weight and muscle, you can focus on losing weight and getting thinner?”
This goes out to the man who I thought was the love of my life, who even after I lost 40 pounds, told me, "You've done a great job with your body. Now you just gotta work on this," and pinched my arm fat.
To all of you, I want to say: Thank you. Every single one of you.
Because if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. The daily shame and humiliation people like you brought me, pushed me, to keep going. I never wanted to have to deal with people like you again.
So I used your insults as fuel to keep me going. I was no longer going to be the girl you made fun of. Not because I lost weight, but because I lost my insecurities.
You see, my thought process wasn’t, “If I get thin, people will stop making fun of me and making backhanded comments." It was, “If I get in shape and am happy with myself, I’ll become a person they can never insult again.”
Not because they would never ever insult me again, but because I wouldn’t care when they did.
Realistically, I know that no matter how my body looks, there will be people that criticize it. If you’re thin, people tell you to “gain weight” and “real men love curves.” If you’re curvier, it’s always “lose some weight, fatty” and “being fat doesn’t count as having curves.”
But the difference is now, I don’t care what society thinks. I don’t care what you think. I like myself now. I don’t need you to like me. I don’t need your approval anymore.
Say goodbye to the chubby, insecure girl you thought nasty things about. And say hello to the healthy, confident girl who doesn’t care what you think anymore.
