I know I require a lot of work. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I know I don’t communicate very well and trust me, I’m working on it. I go from clingy to distant in the blink of an eye and I wish I could justify it to you, to myself. I will not apologize for my condition, but I will apologize for the inconvenience. This letter is not an apology so for now, I want to say thank you.
Thank you for being patient. The indecisiveness that comes with depression can get on people’s last nerve. Waiting minutes, hours, days, for a response can drain you. So thank you for your patience. Thank you for listening to me rave about all my irrational fears, more than once. Thank you for being there when I can’t get out of bed. Thank you for knowing it isn’t laziness. Thank you for not seeing me as a deadbeat with no motivation. Because it is there. I have goals and talents. There are things I like to do in my free time. I like hanging out with people and I like looking at the stars. But there are some days when it takes everything I have to brush my teeth. Seeing that I have seen your message but have yet to respond, can be annoying and know that I never intentionally ignore anyone, I’m just really bad at getting back to people. So thank you.
I want you to know that while I am a very talkative person, there are things I don’t know how to articulate. I don’t know how to tell you why I don’t sleep at night. I don’t know how to explain why I’m sad without an event to cause it. I don’t know how to show you who I am. There is a version of me that I put on when I am around other people. And yes, parts of that are parts of the real me. But I also need to say that I don’t completely know me. I view myself as a construction zone after a disaster. There was something built that is no longer there. And yes, it is being built back. It’ll be comparable to before, hopefully, better. But for now, I am still building.
I also get that my quirks take a lot of getting used to. My fear of large dogs and thunder. The fact that I can’t answer the door for the pizza delivery person, or ask a waiter to correct my order. These are all part of my anxiety. So I thank you for not laughing or putting me down when I can’t perform these seemingly easy tasks.
And most importantly, I want you to know that you are a gift. I have a way of not letting people into my life, so if you have found your way in, know that you are a great person. I have trust issues, anxiety, and am also a pretty unpredictable person. So know that your presence in my life is seen as a gift. You