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I'm Sorry I'm Sick

But I'm not sorry for who I am.

Nikki H Rose

Jul 30, 2019

128

To the people who try,

Thank you. Really. I appreciate all that you do and all that you say in an attempt to comfort me. To make me feel better. To make me feel normal. I appreciate that you stick around for as long as you can. I appreciate that you're honest with me and that you tell me what you're truly thinking. And I appreciate that you were there when you were able to be.

I'm sorry that I'm different and that I make everything more complicated. I didn't choose to be this way, but I can't seem to stop it either. I'm sorry that I have no control over my own health and that every day with me seems like another excuse. I don't mean for it to be. I really try to hide it as much as I can, but I sometimes can't help the parts that slip out. I can't help the grimace that crosses my face when I can't breathe because the pain is too much to handle. I can't help the cry that comes from my throat when I just need to scream. I can't even help the need to cancel plans because I'm too sick to leave my room.

Thank you for trying to get it. Thank you for claiming to understand. But I know that you don't. I know that you can't. Because you're lucky enough to not experience it. You're lucky enough to not have to see it every day of your life. I wish I was as lucky as you.

I'm sorry that I get in the way of our plans. And that I can't live up to what I promise most days. I'm sorry that I can't even manage to cook myself dinner half of the time. But then again, why bother when it's just going to make me sick, anyway?

I'm sorry that I constantly feel down and that you feel as though you have to take care of me. I'm sorry that I can't take care of myself. I'm sorry that I'm a burden. I'm sorry that you feel trapped and unable to escape me. I'm sorry that you see everything I say as an excuse.

I'm sorry that I drove you away and that you're now gone. I'm sorry that I'm constantly left alone because no one understands. I'm sorry that I yelled at you when you told me to get over it. I'm sorry that I punched a wall when you told me that you had a stomachache and knew exactly what I was going through.

I'm sorry that I didn't respond well when you told me I looked great. I hadn't eaten in months. You didn't believe me.

I'm sorry that I didn't respond well when you told me to eat healthier if I ever want to lose weight and feel better. Healthy food makes me sicker. You didn't like that response.

I'm sorry that I gave up trying to explain to you how I feel. Because you stopped listening. Because you never got it. Because I felt like a broken record player.

I'm sorry that giving up on you resulted in you giving up on me.

But I'm thankful that I haven't given up on myself.

I still have me.

And that's all I need.

Sincerely,

The One Who's Done Apologizing

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I'm Sorry I'm Sick

But I'm not sorry for who I am.

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The Best Lines from the Fab Four

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make

The sun is up, the sky is blue, it's beautiful and so are you

Love is old, love is new, love is all, love is you

There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend

He say, "I know you, you know me", One thing I can tell you is you got to be free

Oh please, say to me, You'll let me be your man. And please say to me, You'll let me hold your hand

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play. They've been going in and out of style, but they're guaranteed to raise a smile

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see

Can you hear me? When it rains and shine, it's just a state of mind

Little darling, it's been long cold lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it' s been here. Here comes the sun, Here comes the sun, and I say it's alright

We danced through the night and we held each other tight, and before too long I fell in love with her. Now, I'll never dance with another when I saw her standing there

I love you, I love you, I love you, that's all I want to say

You say you want a revolution. Well you know, we all want to change the world

All the lonely people, where do they all come from. All the lonely people, where do they all belong

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends

Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday

And when the brokenhearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.

And anytime you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders

I'll give you all I got to give if you say you'll love me too. I may not have a lot to give but what I got I'll give to you. I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love

All you need is love, love is all you need

Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Though I know I'll never lose affection, for people and things that went before. I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more

Obviously the best superpower.

There have been many lessons learned.

1. The importance of traditions.

2. How to be thankful for family and friends.

3. How to give back.

4. What the word "community" really means.

5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.

6. The consequences of making bad choices.

7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.

8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.

9. How to be my own, individual person.

10. How to work for what I want.

11. How to be great at giving directions.

12. How to be humble.

13. To be well-rounded.

14. How to be great at conflict resolution.

15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.

16. To be prepared for anything.

17. That you don't always have to do it alone.

18. How to be creative.

19. To brush off gossip.

I have never been so thankful to know you.

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

Don't freak out

Email the professor

Attend the first class

Keep attending class

Have a backup plan

Remember that everything works out at the end

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