To the people who try,
Thank you. Really. I appreciate all that you do and all that you say in an attempt to comfort me. To make me feel better. To make me feel normal. I appreciate that you stick around for as long as you can. I appreciate that you're honest with me and that you tell me what you're truly thinking. And I appreciate that you were there when you were able to be.
I'm sorry that I'm different and that I make everything more complicated. I didn't choose to be this way, but I can't seem to stop it either. I'm sorry that I have no control over my own health and that every day with me seems like another excuse. I don't mean for it to be. I really try to hide it as much as I can, but I sometimes can't help the parts that slip out. I can't help the grimace that crosses my face when I can't breathe because the pain is too much to handle. I can't help the cry that comes from my throat when I just need to scream. I can't even help the need to cancel plans because I'm too sick to leave my room.
Thank you for trying to get it. Thank you for claiming to understand. But I know that you don't. I know that you can't. Because you're lucky enough to not experience it. You're lucky enough to not have to see it every day of your life. I wish I was as lucky as you.
I'm sorry that I get in the way of our plans. And that I can't live up to what I promise most days. I'm sorry that I can't even manage to cook myself dinner half of the time. But then again, why bother when it's just going to make me sick, anyway?
I'm sorry that I constantly feel down and that you feel as though you have to take care of me. I'm sorry that I can't take care of myself. I'm sorry that I'm a burden. I'm sorry that you feel trapped and unable to escape me. I'm sorry that you see everything I say as an excuse.
I'm sorry that I drove you away and that you're now gone. I'm sorry that I'm constantly left alone because no one understands. I'm sorry that I yelled at you when you told me to get over it. I'm sorry that I punched a wall when you told me that you had a stomachache and knew exactly what I was going through.
I'm sorry that I didn't respond well when you told me I looked great. I hadn't eaten in months. You didn't believe me.
I'm sorry that I didn't respond well when you told me to eat healthier if I ever want to lose weight and feel better. Healthy food makes me sicker. You didn't like that response.
I'm sorry that I gave up trying to explain to you how I feel. Because you stopped listening. Because you never got it. Because I felt like a broken record player.
I'm sorry that giving up on you resulted in you giving up on me.
But I'm thankful that I haven't given up on myself.
I still have me.And that's all I need.
The One Who's Done Apologizing
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