An Open Apology From A Girl Who Cheated,

People always say that cheating is not a mistake, it’s a choice. Personally I look at it a little differently. It’s easy to look at cheating as an intentional form of hurting someone you claimed to love, and when it happened to me, I never thought I would forgive someone that could stoop to that kind of level. I swore to myself I would never hurt someone the way that I was hurt and I never imagined how someone could betray someone so much enough to cheat. I never thought I would be a cheater.

People assume that cheating has to do with not being satisfied with or not loving your boyfriend/ girlfriend. The truth is cheating had all to do with myself and my own self confidence. It was proof of my vulnerability and allowed me to see how bad my trust issues had actually gotten. For me cheating was not about wanting somebody else and it didn’t mean that I didn’t actually love and care about my boyfriend at the time. I actually really did care about him and genuinely wanted to be with him. Cheating on him had nothing to do with him.

My past relationship had taught me that in order to actually be happy in a relationship you have to fight for the upper hand. I thought it was normal for relationships to be stressful. I became used to having constant anxiety about whether or not everything was a lie. For so long I felt that I was stuck in a place where someone else controlled my every emotion and I never imagined a relationship without that fear. I had no self confidence, no trust for anyone not even my closest friends. I felt as if my anxiety about my relationship had started to take over my life. I wasn’t happy anymore.

When that relationship ended I swore that I would never let someone have that kind of control over me again the way that he had. I’ll admit it was wrong of me to jump into another relationship because I was in no way ready to be with someone so soon. I needed more time to work on myself and I didn’t allow myself time to do that. This time around I was ready to make sure I would never let anyone hurt me again. I needed to protect myself. I felt that, like in my old relationship, I needed to make sure I had the upper hand. At the time it seemed safer for me to be the one to do the hurting than to be hurt again. It was about making sure I had control over my own heart and about making myself feel worthy. When the opportunity came around, I didn’t turn it down.

Cheating for me was about control. But cheating didn’t fix the things that were wrong. Sure, I had the security of knowing that I had an advantage over him in case he ever did hurt me. But in reality, all I ended up doing was hurting someone who actually cared about me and wasn’t going to hurt me like in the past. Yes, I took the consequences of my actions. I had to watch my boyfriend who at one time believed so many wonderful things about me change his mind as I broke his heart. I also of course got the “slut” and “whore” references from peers at school. I loved my boyfriend and it pains me to know that because of what I did he doesn’t believe in relationships the way he used to. I wish that he knew that he was always good enough for me and that cheating had nothing to do with him or anyone else that was involved.

For me, yes, cheating was a choice, but it was also a mistake. I realize now that cheating was never going to fix the things that needed fixing and that I have no excuse for my actions. I tried to fix myself at the expense of another's feelings and for that I am truly sorry. I broke my own promises and pushed away people who were only trying to help. But, despite my actions I don’t look at myself as a “cheater.” I saw a girl who through her own fault recognized her moments of weakness and vulnerability. Though I will never not feel guilty for the things that I’ve done, I’ve learned to accept my mistakes for what they are and move on from my past. So, while people choose to look at me as the girl who cheated, I like to look at myself as the girl who learned from her mistakes.

To all involved,