In the true spirit of mediocrity, my athletic career officially came to an end in high school. Unfortunately I was not meant to be a part of the 6 a.m. practice schedule and lack of freedom that is college sports (whoops, did I say that?). I have reluctantly come to grips with my identity as a NARP -- or Non-Athletic Regular Person for those of you who are unfamiliar -- so I am not here to vent about my problems. However, I will say that there is one thing that I desperately miss about playing competitive sports and being on a team.
There is never a place where I have felt more at home than my high school locker room, (which is probably a testament to why I wasn’t quite as at home on the field). I was lucky enough to be part of a team with a beautiful locker room, and that is something that should never be taken for granted. So without further ado here is a list of everything that makes a locker room one of the most glorious places on earth.
1. The Smell
Although it is commonplace to complain of the stench in a locker room, or even compare it to other horrendous odors, the soothing aroma that those inside have so painstakingly created is something to take pride in. I certainly will always be fond of and never forget the scent that graced me every time I walked into my locker room.
2. Change of Values
The moment you step into a team’s locker room the outside world becomes irrelevant. Homework? School drama? Girls? Fuhgeddaboutit! What matters most in such a mindless environment is Ibuprofen and Gatorade, or whose towel you are going to steal today.
3. Cleaning
People may assume that sports teams are full of brutes and knuckleheads (which is probably true), but cleaning is something that is important in a locker room. Not all teammates are into keeping their zones spotless, but you can always count on one guy to make sure that “his” locker room is up to snuff. My bedroom at home was one dirty sock away from being a certified quarantine zone by the EPA, but I always made sure to help keep the locker room in impeccable shape.
4. Nudity
It really is quite the spectacle to behold when everyone in a room is totally okay with being totally naked. When you kneel down to lace up your cleats and you happen to come face to face with a bare buttock, that is when you have found the true meaning of team. It is rudimentary locker room knowledge, that nothing quite compliments the rusty lockers and florescent lights as well as the cloth less heard of beasts that inhabit it.
5. Music Guy
A speaker is paramount to creating the perfect locker room environment. If you don’t have an aux cord to pass around before and after practices you can almost guarantee your team a respectable, but not impressive five and five season. When you are in control of the locker room playlist, you automatically inherit as much, if not more power than the team captain him or herself. However, with great power comes great responsibility. There must always be chief DJ, a Tsar of song, a master of musical melody that can be trusted to boldly lead the team while shuffling through his library without the dreaded fear of song judgment that defeats so many. It is an important job that is not for the faint of heart; because there are few things that teenagers have a stronger preference about than their music tastes.
6. Communities
Although a team should ideally be a unit that functions as one, a locker room fosters an environment that is similar to the Mean Girls cafeteria (aside from the absurd exclusivity and clique culture that comes with it). Each player has his or her place in a locker room, and that becomes apparent after a few weeks together as a team. As soon as they step off of the field, players’ true personalities surface and they gravitate towards those with similarities. In one corner you may find the ladies men, who are the guys that seem like they are only on the team to impress girls. Across the room, there will always be the try hard athletes who will not stop talking about how to improve the team, or why we should already be preparing for the playoffs that are two months away. Some people need to play around or fidget with any sort of ball that they lay eyes on, so they pass or juggle with each other until some innocent bystander inevitably gets a knock to the dome. It is all part of the locker room culture, and these differences can often lead to a truly cohesive unit.
7. Showers
The showers in my locker room were some of the foulest, mold inhabiting cesspools that I have witnessed to this day. They were what really taught me why they call it athletes foot, but there is no need to go into detail. Ironically, I have never had fonder memories of a shower in my life. Maybe it has something to do with traumatic remembrances of enduring near freezing temperatures while I sat on a cold metal bench desperately waiting for the 90 minutes to expire so I could just enjoy the wonder that is a warm shower. Or it could be because of that time I came up with the wonderful idea to bring my chair into the shower and sit there for 45 minutes while I sipped on a refreshing Glacier Freeze Gatorade. Nonetheless, I do not expect to find a shower that I connect more with than those in my high school locker room.
8. Seniority
Entering high school taught me a lot about treating elders with respect and the values of seniority. Upon becoming a part of a sports team those ideals became even clearer. As irritating as it is to carry the balls down to every practice just because you are a freshman, there are a lot of things to learn from this. I was fortunate enough to have good role models who became the men that I one day want to be. They were mature, and put together and lead me to understand why they deserved the best lockers and the first showers.
9. Laws
Although a locker room is just a space for people to shower and change clothing, there is often a strict legislative system in place that governs the actions of the players on the team. It is important to respect every locker room law in order to avoid conflict. These rules are in place to protect the team. For instance, one should never step on the team logo in the middle of the room. God forbid if this happens, there may be a team wide catastrophe that leads to a losing season for years to come. Or even more practical rules like, no pooping in the locker room, are put into place, because that is not part of the sentimental fragrance that is meant to fill the air.
10. Rituals and Traditions
Each locker room is unique in design and harbors its own team dynamic. Every team has some sort of special tradition or ritual that takes place inside. Whether it is the “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” chant from Friday Night Lights or just a sign above the door, these traditions are meaningful to those of us who have been a part. It is something that you become used to and connects you as a team. I can never celebrate a victory without thinking that "Boneless" by Steve Aoki should be playing on the speaker. I will forever know that Friday practice means wear a professional jersey. Before I take the field, for whatever reason it may be, I think back to those moments I shared with my team, in the one room on campus that was truly ours. As ludicrous as it sounds, a locker room is one of the most romantic places on earth because it is where a team celebrates after some of the happiest victories, but also weeps together after a tragic loss. So here is to locker rooms: may they continue to reek and embody the true value of fellowship.
