An Eating Disorder Relapse

An Eating Disorder Relapse

So here’s to starting over. Here is to day one of being symptom free again.
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I should have called.

I knew he would have stopped me, even from miles away.

My eating disorder and familiar foe, Ed, knew that as well. What was earlier a sweet victory bowl of ice cream in celebration of a symptom-free month soon became a tinted binge. We stuffed and shoveled as a I felt my 40 days free from Ed coming to an end.

I should have called.

But Ed sang his sweet siren song of freedom.

"Purge," he sang. "Purge and be free from the hurt and the fear of being alone after being discharged from treatment."

I should have called.

Each spoonful becoming more tasteless as this bowl of ice cream became less of a late night delight and more of Ed's controlling binge.

I should have called.

He would have stopped me, Ed knew this and sang his siren song louder.

"It's just a bowl of ice cream," he sang. "Everyone eats ice cream!"

"Indulge," he sang. "You deserve this after how hard it was during those 40 days without me."

With that, he captured me with his siren song and I began to eat spoonful after spoonful of what once was a happy childhood treat, now turned to Ed's binge food.

Keep going Ed sang. My stomach tightened and began to hurt from being overly full. Never the less, I kept shoveling spoonful after spoonful until...

My spoon reached the bottom of the carton and Ed began to sing a different tune.

I should have called.

As I stared at the bottom of the carton, I felt Ed’s lyrics of worthlessness sink in. Sitting alone in this unfamiliar house, motionless on the kitchen floor, my world slowed. The realization my 40 days of being symptom free were coming to an end at this very moment.

I was falling too fast to catch myself or even reach out for help.

I should have called.

Ed took advantage of my vulnerability and sang his familiar song louder and louder.

I walked to the bathroom on autopilot. I turned on the sink faucet, drank in the key to my freedom, and felt the defeat as it all came back out. Right then and there, my symptom-free streak ended.

Waves upon waves came out as Ed sang praises to empty my stomach into the porcelain.

And when it was all finally over, Ed was silent, nowhere to be found. Ed left me with my thoughts of despair and failure after my first relapse since finishing treatment.

And that’s when I finally called.

But it was too late, Ed’s siren call had ended.

Ed had left me empty, worthless and defeated.

Causing my loved ones to be disappointed and angry.

40 days of being symptom-free and Ed defeated me with a bowl of ice cream.

After tonight, I can't promise I won’t relapse again.

But I can promise that I will learn.

And what I learned from this relapse is that next time Ed sings his siren song, call.

Ed can not take away my 40 days symptom-free, I won’t let him.

So here is to starting over and to day one of being symptom free again.

He may have won this battle but God willing, I will win this war.

Cover Image Credit: Pexel

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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How To Avoid Getting Sick Your  Freshman Year

It's going to take a little more than an apple a day.

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College is the prime time and place to catch a cold... or worse. Although, somehow I managed to crack the code to health and not get sick my whole first year of college. This is surprising considering I was living in the close (and very unsanitary) quarters of a dorm room.

1. Keep your diet somewhat healthy

https://picjumbo.com/healthy-fruits-and-vegetables/

I know how hard it is to eat healthy in college, especially on a low budget. But with the dining hall foods, you can at least include some vegetables and fruits into your everyday consumption. The vitamins in these foods will help keep your immune system up and it will be worth the effort.

2. Try to exercise a few times per week

https://picjumbo.com/fitness-girl-jogging-morning-run/

Even if you're just getting out of the dorm for a thirty minute walk, it will benefit your body. If you decide to up your routine from that, even better! The more endorphins, the more you will feel better inside and out.

3. Cut back on the drinking if you feel a cold coming on

https://pixabay.com/photos/glasses-toasting-cheers-alcohol-919071/

Surprisingly, many college students don't seem to know that alcohol lowers your immune system. Of course, for some people theres no way of avoiding drinking. But if you can at least give your body rest days, it will be extremely beneficial.

4. Invest in a dehumidifier for your dorm room

https://icdn2.digitaltrends.com/image/dehumidifier_hero_1-2-720x720.jpg

I believe this was a very big player in helping me not get sick. The dehumidifier helps reduce dust and other particles in the air. This will help not agitate your allergies and you will feel more clear headed.

5. Try not to share personal products

https://picjumbo.com/makeup-brushes/

Sharing things like towels, makeup, unwashed cups, etc. can all be causes of a sickness being passed around you and your friends. Of course sharing is caring, just make sure it's sanitary.

6. Be conscientious of who you kiss!

https://www.pexels.com/photo/love-people-kissing-romance-18397/

Make sure that your girlfriend, boyfriend, or "its complicated" person is not sick before you're getting cozy with them.

7. Drink lots of green tea!

https://libreshot.com/green-tea/

Personally, I credit green tea and its anti-oxidants for keeping the flu away and even getting rid of bugs that might be forming in your system. So if you feel like you might be developing a cold, chug that tea!

I know how annoying these tips may be. But I promise, if you implement at least a few it could reduce your chances of feeling horrible during midterms in the winter, and sneezing all over your finals in the fall.

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