An Eating Disorder Relapse

An Eating Disorder Relapse

So here’s to starting over. Here is to day one of being symptom free again.
27
views

I should have called.

I knew he would have stopped me, even from miles away.

My eating disorder and familiar foe, Ed, knew that as well. What was earlier a sweet victory bowl of ice cream in celebration of a symptom-free month soon became a tinted binge. We stuffed and shoveled as a I felt my 40 days free from Ed coming to an end.

I should have called.

But Ed sang his sweet siren song of freedom.

"Purge," he sang. "Purge and be free from the hurt and the fear of being alone after being discharged from treatment."

I should have called.

Each spoonful becoming more tasteless as this bowl of ice cream became less of a late night delight and more of Ed's controlling binge.

I should have called.

He would have stopped me, Ed knew this and sang his siren song louder.

"It's just a bowl of ice cream," he sang. "Everyone eats ice cream!"

"Indulge," he sang. "You deserve this after how hard it was during those 40 days without me."

With that, he captured me with his siren song and I began to eat spoonful after spoonful of what once was a happy childhood treat, now turned to Ed's binge food.

Keep going Ed sang. My stomach tightened and began to hurt from being overly full. Never the less, I kept shoveling spoonful after spoonful until...

My spoon reached the bottom of the carton and Ed began to sing a different tune.

I should have called.

As I stared at the bottom of the carton, I felt Ed’s lyrics of worthlessness sink in. Sitting alone in this unfamiliar house, motionless on the kitchen floor, my world slowed. The realization my 40 days of being symptom free were coming to an end at this very moment.

I was falling too fast to catch myself or even reach out for help.

I should have called.

Ed took advantage of my vulnerability and sang his familiar song louder and louder.

I walked to the bathroom on autopilot. I turned on the sink faucet, drank in the key to my freedom, and felt the defeat as it all came back out. Right then and there, my symptom-free streak ended.

Waves upon waves came out as Ed sang praises to empty my stomach into the porcelain.

And when it was all finally over, Ed was silent, nowhere to be found. Ed left me with my thoughts of despair and failure after my first relapse since finishing treatment.

And that’s when I finally called.

But it was too late, Ed’s siren call had ended.

Ed had left me empty, worthless and defeated.

Causing my loved ones to be disappointed and angry.

40 days of being symptom-free and Ed defeated me with a bowl of ice cream.

After tonight, I can't promise I won’t relapse again.

But I can promise that I will learn.

And what I learned from this relapse is that next time Ed sings his siren song, call.

Ed can not take away my 40 days symptom-free, I won’t let him.

So here is to starting over and to day one of being symptom free again.

He may have won this battle but God willing, I will win this war.

Cover Image Credit: Pexel

Popular Right Now

10 Things Someone Who Grew Up In A Private School Knows

The 10 things that every private school-goer knows all too well.

22875
views

1. Uniforms

Plaid. The one thing that every private school-goer knows all too well. It was made into jumpers, skirts, shorts, scouts, hair ties, basically anything you could imagine, the school plaid was made into. You had many different options on what to wear on a normal day, but you always dreaded dress uniform day because of skirts and ballet flats. But it made waking up late for school a whole lot easier.

2. New people were a big deal

New people weren't a big thing. Maybe one or two a year to a grade, but after freshman year no one new really showed up, making the new kid a big deal.

3. You've been to school with most of your class since Kindergarten


Most of your graduating class has been together since Kindergarten, maybe even preschool, if your school has it. They've become part of your family, and you can honestly say you've grown up with your best friends.

4. You've had the same teachers over and over

Having the same teacher two or three years in a row isn't a real surprise. They know what you are capable of and push you to do your best.

5. Everyone knows everybody. Especially everyone's business.

Your graduating class doesn't exceed 150. You know everyone in your grade and most likely everyone in the high school. Because of this, gossip spreads like wildfire. So everyone knows what's going on 10 minutes after it happens.

6. Your hair color was a big deal

If it's not a natural hair color, then forget about it. No dyeing your hair hot pink or blue or you could expect a phone call to your parents saying you have to get rid of it ASAP.

7. Your school isn't like "Gossip Girl"

There is no eating off campus for lunch or casually using your cell phone in class. Teachers are more strict and you can't skip class or just walk right off of campus.

8. Sports are a big deal

Your school is the best of the best at most sports. The teams normally go to the state championships. The rest of the school that doesn't play sports attends the games to cheer on the teams.

9. Boys had to be clean-shaven, and hair had to be cut

If you came to school and your hair was not cut or your beard was not shaved, you were written up and made to go in the bathroom and shave or have the head of discipline cut your hair. Basically, if you know you're getting written up for hair, it's best just to check out and go get a hair cut.

10. Free dress days were like a fashion show

Wearing a school uniform every day can really drive you mad. That free dress day once a month is what you lived for. It was basically a fashion show for everyone, except for those upperclassmen who were over everything and just wore sweat pants.

Cover Image Credit: Authors Photos

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

Wearing Sneakers To The Gym Just Isn't Going To Cut It These Days

Going to the gym is more than just working out its about having the right gadgets and outfits to go with it.

rtufaro
rtufaro
106
views

I am an advocate of making sure you sweat once a day, I love going to the gym. I blast my music, feel my muscles fatiuging, and sweat it out. As I have been going to the gym more I have noticed that people's outfits to the gym are more than just your average t-shirt and leggings people wear multicolored and matching attire and are geared up with their Apple airpods and watches.

I personally go with an old T-shirt and throw on my freshly washed leggings and my running shoes and I am ready to go, but I see how dressing in the full work out attire has a positive impact on your gym session. Feeling fully motivated in your new matching gym getup is important as you will want to work out harder and push yourself being that you are fully in the right gear. As I progress in attending the gym I want to get an Apple watch and track my data.

It is important to move your body for at least once an hour a day and by going to the gym you are ensuring this movement. Eating right also puts you on track and if you are working out and eating right you will surely soon see your hard work. NoIt doesn't matter what you wear to the gym as long as you are there your making progress. It is important however to stay motivated because in order to get anything out of the gym you have to participate and in doing so wearing a cute gym out fit will only make this better.

rtufaro
rtufaro

Related Content

Facebook Comments