To Survivors everywhere,

What they say is true: until it happens to you, you do not really understand. I always thought of myself as a level headed and compassionate person who tried to see all situations objectively. But my constant attempts to see the “whole picture” and to not “overreact” blinded me to your pain, and for that I am incredibly sorry.

I was a part of the problem. The problem of our culture’s willingness to diminish value of another person by violation and judgment. I participated in the blaming and shaming of victims. I may not have been aware of my actions at the time, but just because I did not intend to hurt others does not make my actions or my words any more acceptable. Before, I made comments regarding the revealing nature of a person’s clothing without any thought to the power my words held. Now, I know that my comments only reaffirmed the idea that what someone is wearing can't be used to determine how responsible they are for inviting any sexual attention received.

In the past, I would not stop a friend from making a joke about a test “raping them in the ass” because rape was a word that held no significance in my life. I would not even bat an eye when the term was used. Now I know rape is not just something that happens to drunk girls in dark alleys after midnight. Rape can happen to anyone, at any time, and most likely by someone you would never expect. I know what rape is now and I understand how dangerous it is to tolerate conversations where “to f**k” is used as a common place verb to describe what someone did or will do to another person. I allowed for the line between wanted and unwanted sex to be blurred because I did not speak out. I inadvertently reinforced the belief that a person could use another person for their own pleasure with no regard to consent by allowing generalizations to be made in my presence.

The key concept that seems to justify victim blaming and rapist protecting is consent. I never truly understood this concept until it happened to me. I could not wrap my mind around the idea that someone would not care that the other person did not want what he or she was so eager to give. Even after I had been raped one of my first questions was, “How f**ked up was he?” As if his drunkenness excused his behavior. I questioned my own behavior; did the fact that I had consumed alcohol create a disconnect between my body language and my words, in turn, giving him mixed signals that justified his actions? Even with bite marks and bruises on my body as well as a vaginal tear, I truly wanted to believe that this person had not really ignored my “no” and physical resistance.

While I did not have the vocabulary nor the strength to label what had happened at the time, I knew that it was not okay and that I was not okay. To think there was ever a time where I entertained the idea that someone would ever “pull the rape card” for attention is horrifying. Why would anyone want attention drawn to them for being the victim of a crime that our own society blames the victim for? As a survivor of rape, you learn quickly that speaking out about what happened only leads to being treated as the criminal rather than the victim.

When someone is murdered, the perpetrator is considered a murderer if the evidence proves that the murder occurred, regardless of how many people they have murdered in past. Another person’s opinion of the deceased does not change the fact that they were killed, nor does it make it the murderer’s right to kill the victim. While there are situations and circumstances by which the likelihood of being murdered increases, the act of murder is not typically considered moral or lawful (excluding self-defense.) A person does not have the right to take another person’s life into their own hands nor does another person have the right to say that the deceased deserved to die.

There is a distinct parallel between murder and sexual assault in the sense that our society uses the same thinking to justify the actions rather than condemn the actions of the rapist. Instead of focusing on the evidence that proves that the accused committed the crime we focus on the factors that would somehow justify the raping of the victim. Somehow as a society we believe that because the victim was wearing a certain clothing item, drank alcohol, was in a particular geographical location or had slept with people in the past makes it okay for their rights to be violated. But in murder cases, what the victim was wearing, what they had drank, where they were, and what their sexual history was doesn’t seem to matter nearly as much as the evidence that proves they were murdered.

Unfortunately the reality is that there are factors that increase the likelihood of someone being raped: alcohol (to lower inhibitions and weaken victim,) spaces of isolation (to commit the crime,) and people that you trust (to decrease the believable factor and increase the chances of a rape going unreported.) But by using this argument as a justification for the crime, more responsibility is placed on the victim therefore removing some from the perpetrator. It decreases the severity of the rapist’s actions and by default diminishes the value of the victim. Furthermore reinforcing the idea that it is okay for a person (the rapist) to drastically alter another’s (the victim’s) life via sexual assault.

While some might feel as though the comparison between rape and murder is a stretch, I beg to differ. Both crimes come down to the fact that one person felt as though they had the right to take another person’s life into their own hands and do with it what they wanted. The difference existing in the case of murder, the victims’ lives ended compared to in the case of rape, many will wish it would have.

So to survivors everywhere, I did not understand before and I now I do. However to say I understand would be a misrepresentation of what I am trying to say because I do not understand. I do not understand why the assailants felt they had a right to violate us, or why others cannot refrain from passing judgment. I do not understand why our society cares more about protecting the rights of the accused than the victim or why rape is the only crime where the victim is on trial.

But what I do understand is how incredibly sorry I am for being a part of the problem. I take responsibility for not being more aware and letting the lines blur in turn inflicting harm upon you. So to everyone who reads this and knows, my heart breaks for you, but I am stronger knowing you are still here. To everyone who knows but still blames, I hope you get to a place of peace where you are able to accept that what happened to you was not your fault. To everyone who supports survivors, thank you. To everyone else, I hope that one day you are able to face the truth for the sake of those you love.

If we survived the abuse, we can survive the recovery.

Sincerely,

Another Survivor