Every time I think modern American racism has peaked, something happens that proves me wrong. Some events are disappointing yet expected at this point, like the lack of a conviction for Philando Castile’s murderer, and some absolutely blows my mind.

Two years ago, I never would’ve guessed that neo-Nazism and white supremacy would be acceptable ideologies again. I never would’ve guessed that I’d wake up one morning to discover we’ve been set back 50 years. I never would’ve guessed that I would actively fear for my physical safety because of the color of my skin.

At this point, I’m beyond being polite and listening to what everyone has to say. There is a clear right side and a clear wrong side in this debate. To be apathetic is to say that the kind of behavior witnessed in Charlottesville, Virginia is permissible. To blame “many sides,” as the President did, is to assert that ideologies which state non-whites are sub-human are comparable to those which insist upon the notion that all races and cultures are equal. To say that all free speech should be met without consequences is to say all ideas, no matter how harmful, deserve a platform regardless of who they hurt.

I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said. If I’m being completely honest, I’m at a loss yet I still felt the need to speak out. I suppose above all else I’m tired.

I’m scared, yes, but first and foremost I’m exhausted and melancholy. I first heard about activist burnout back in November and I think now it may finally be starting to set in. I don’t know how much longer I can handle the rising acceptance of hate and bigotry in my country. But on a smaller scale, I don’t know how to interact with people in my life who refuse to acknowledge there’s a problem or genuinely believe that my humanity is up for discussion.

I truly wish there were some other way, however, anyone unwilling to abandon a political party whose leader is hesitant to denounce white supremacists and neo-Nazis is part of the problem. The president and his supporters are often the first to condemn “safe spaces” whether they be for members of certain races, certain genders, or certain sexual orientations.

Despite this, what he, his administration, and his supporters all have done is turn this once great nation into a “safe space” where misinformed, hateful white people can rampage through city streets without any backlash.

There was a time when I would’ve said something along the lines of “Maybe they’re just ignorant or maybe they truly believe that white America is under attack for some reason. I doubt they really mean any deliberate harm and they’re just misguided.” I have since discarded such ways of thinking.

If history serves as a reliable guide, and it often does, these politicians and their voters know exactly what they’re doing. In an interview given over two decades ago, one of President Richard Nixon’s aides, John Ehrlichman, is quoted as saying:

“The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that had two enemies: the antiwar left and black people. You understand what I'm saying? We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.”

However, this is simply one administration. Surely they are an outlier and the same can’t be said of other recent Republican leaders. Just ask Lee Atwater, President Ronald Reagan’s campaign strategist:

“Don't quote me on this, you start out in 1954 by saying 'nigger, nigger, nigger.' By 1968 you can't say 'nigger,' that hurts you, backfires, so you say stuff like ‘forced busing, states rights’ and all that stuff, and you're getting so abstract. Now you're talking about cutting taxes and all these things. What you’re talking about are totally economic things, and the byproduct often is Blacks get hurt worse than whites.”

So don’t tell me that the president and his lily white cronies are doing everything they can. Don’t tell me that they aren’t enabling and empowering this growing white power movement when shouts of “Heil Trump” could be heard echoing throughout the streets.

Don’t tell me that Black Lives Matter is somehow in the same league as Richard Spencer and the Alt- Right. I’m done conceding. I’m done giving the benefit of the doubt. Because at the end of the day, every time I’ve granted leeway I’ve learned that the other side takes advantage of that and I have run out of patience and naivety.

I refuse to be trodden underfoot and let my country be “taken back” or “made great again” by people who care only about themselves and people like them.

This past year has seriously made me ashamed to be an American. But more importantly, it’s made me afraid to be an American. Every time something like this happens I feel less safe and less at home here. Half of me wants to stand and fight for my country. The other half, arguably the fatigued half, says “take your capitalistic, evangelical, heterosexual, misogynistic, white country. I don’t want it anymore.”

Don’t be misled, this is what the Charlottesville marchers want and what this presidential administration would have America become. While I’d love to flee to the liberal European country of my choice, I’m also aware of the fact that expatriation is not an option for everyone and to leave would be to abandon them. It may not even be an option for me whenever I finish college. But honestly, much like James Baldwin, who emigrated to Paris because of segregation, I too have become disillusioned by American prejudice.

I would condemn the violence that broke out but I’m not sure how I feel about it, to be honest. According to Stokely Carmichael, a Black Panther leader, “in order for nonviolence to work, your opponent must have a conscience. The United States has none.” These words feel so incredibly true that they leave me speechless.

Five years after the death of Trayvon Martin and police are still not being held accountable for the murder of innocent black lives. This coming after a combination of peaceful and, at times, non-peaceful protest as well. I don’t want to advocate for physical conflict, but it seems to me the alternative is to let Nazis and Klan Members march and intimidate. And the First Amendment does not protect the incitement of violence, which is what the “Unite The Right” rally was truly about.

Make no mistake, in the words of Ta-Nehisi Coates, “all our phrasing- race relations, racial chasm, racial justice, racial profiling, white privilege, even white supremacy- serves to obscure that racism is a visceral experience, that it dislodges brains, blocks airways, rips muscle, extracts organs, cracks bones, breaks teeth.”

I’m reluctant to speak out against violence toward white aggressors because I know that if they had more political power, street fights would be minor compared to what they’d really do to us. The modern “alt-right” is no more than an extension of the Nazi party which systematically executed roughly 20,000,000 people. Not to mention the obvious influence of the Ku Klux Klan.

The only difference is that few men wore masks and sheets in Charlottesville. Something about this time period has made it acceptable, in fact, something about this time period has made it admirable to be racist in American society. If only we knew what or who.