Psychologist defines forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you. Speaking from experience this is hard, forgiveness may be verbally stated but is it really happening. I wish I could say I was still angry but I am not, does this mean I forgive? If this is a meaning of forgiveness how do I move past it? I think this is one of the things I struggle with on a daily basis with my depression.
I have made a lot of mistakes while struggling with depression, I have hurt a lot of people also. I could probably go back to the beginning and say that my brother, Jeff was the first person I hurt with my depression. I love my brother but unfortunately, due to my depression, we are not close. As a child, I was so angry with him, I am not even sure why. Maybe it did have to do with depression but my dad also contributed to the animosity towards each other. My dad always treated my brother better than me and I took it out of my brother the anger I felt towards him. To this day I wish things were different between my brother and me.
My dad wasn't ever really happy with me, maybe because I wasn't really happy with myself either. I guess I never thought my dad really loved me even at 45 years old I wonder about it. I'm not sure if I forgive him for that I am not angry about it, I just accept it. I wouldn't say he was abusive, I would say he was basically neglectful. I think those feelings I have for my dad really affected how I felt about myself then and today. The question is always there, why am I so unloveable?
Now, my mom, she is fantastic, she put up with my mood swings, my lying, my self-esteem issues and many years of screw-ups. My mom is my best friend, that can be a double edge sword. She was my savior, probably to the extent of putting her life on hold. She sacrificed a lot for me, probably to a degree her relationship with my brother. I don't know that she would say but that is my feeling on it. I think this may be the first time that I even have spoken of it.
I have a lot of regrets growing up with depression, I know it's not my fault but doesn't mean that I don't have feelings of loss, regret, and anger. The loss of my relationship with my brother is probably the greatest regret I have. My kids are 6 years apart and they have a relationship I wish I had with my brother. I regret constantly lying about money and getting myself and my husband in financial situations that are difficult to dig our way out.
Marriage is tough and takes a lot of work to be successful. I know people who have been married for a long time and I wonder how they make it work. I have been married 24 years and it takes a lot of work, a lot of forgiving, which I think is hard. I believe it has been difficult for my husband to love me because of the amount of stress that my depression puts on our relationship.I have lied to him about money constantly throughout our marriage, which has led to us struggling financially. I would like to say that he was very supportive of my struggles with depression, but I can't. He is supportive in the aftermath of the destruction my depression can cause, but he is unsure how to help me when I fall into the darkness.
The past 5 years have been the toughest on our marriage, I received a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 when I turned 40. That same time period my mom moved away, which is the first time that she and I lived in completely different states. It was a hard adjustment for me, my husband at agreed to contact my counselor if he saw me struggling with depression. Unfortunately here I am 5 years later and I am trying to dig my way out of a hole of darkness and debt. I know I am not mad at him anymore but I am not sure if I forgive him.
The part of marriage that I have struggled so much with is the amount of myself that I have sacrificed to make it work. I have sacrificed my mental health to try and make my marriage work, at what point is it too much? I think this is where I am standing right now in my life, my youngest just turned 16 years old and I am again trying figure out what comes next.
I started back to counseling because I have to find a way to forgive myself. I think that's going to be the hardest thing.
