Never feel like you are the only one dealing with heavy stuff at any moment in time. People of all walks of life are caught in ruts sometimes, but we all respond differently. Understanding that helps you develop a unique level of respect for people, and keeps you from feeling isolated in your struggles. I'm very open about my past, but very closed about my feelings which is something I continue to work on. Because of that, it seems like people assume I have it easy. Nobody has it easy.

While it seems counterintuitive, I tend to respond to the negative parts of my life with a sort of tenacity. I work out when I’m angry, study more when I’ve failed, and spend time with people when I’m hurting the most. I don’t respond by isolating myself or sitting around. I’m extremely open about the things that have happened to me because I love helping other people through things that I've been through. I can talk to people about my past, but never for my own comfort. I don’t care to talk about it for my own personal comfort because there isn’t a conversation in my mind that can change the past.

In my mind, the only thing that can help what seems helpless is an improvement. If I can’t change my circumstances, I will always change my response to them. My response almost always consists of activities I’ve chosen to better myself, but my constant state of busyness makes it difficult to reflect on any growth or improvement I've made in life.

Cognitively, I think that I don’t want deep relationships whether I’m thinking about how I’ll be moving a lot in the future or how I’d rather not waste my time to get hurt. I’m so caught up in all of the things that I think will make me better such as school, sports, and work, that I find myself feeling down for seemingly no reason. Bottom line is, I may not always know what's healthiest for me. And because I stray from depth in relationships I get to thinking that no one can really understand the feelings that come on as a result of the crazy life I've built for myself. I bury those feelings with more activity and work; I never stop to think about how any of what I do is impacting me. On the surface, it seems like the activity is healthy for me, but maybe it isn't.

So every once in a while I have a meltdown for seemingly no reason, and I deal with it on my own. Predictably, I do so by participating in more activities. So I make Dean’s list every semester, I stay in shape, I have lots of friends, but I don’t know what any of it means to me! I just do all of these things in an attempt to fill some void that seems like it shouldn’t exist. On the surface I have a perfect life, and I don’t have to talk to people about my problems. Maybe it’s healthy, but maybe it’s not.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that everyone deals with problems differently. Even though people seem like they have it together, they could be dealing with some serious issues. Never assume that the person smiling all day is the happiest person you know, because chances are you don’t really know them. You just never know what is going on in someone’s head. Laughing all of the time doesn’t equate to mental stability. Think of Robin Williams for example. A great man who made us all laugh had things going on that he felt no one could understand. So even if there aren’t any warning signs, it’s still important to ask people if they are okay.

This is by no means me saying that I’m falling apart at this moment. It’s just important to understand yourself and that feeling can be diverse. I don’t respond to problems by crying my eyes out (usually), but that doesn’t make my problems any less significant. And some people respond to the little things with tears but that doesn’t make them dramatic either. So if you’re like me at all, just know that it’s okay to feel like you’re falling apart and not show it. I learned to deal with my problems independently growing up, so that’s the only way I know how to deal with them now. Just don’t forget to let yourself feel every once in a while. And even if you are afraid of getting hurt, take the chance to build deep relationships anyways. It's true that you can get a little something special from everyone you interact with, so don't be like I've been in the past and avoid the beauty of that.