I wish I could tell you how hard this is for me. Maybe you know, and maybe you don't, but it sucks. Having to lose a part of me, a part of who I was, in such an unexpected way was not part of the plan. I didn't expect to spend those first few weeks crying myself to sleep, looking at old photos and wondering what I did to deserve so much heartache. I don't blame you, I can't blame you, but then who do I blame?

I wish I could tell you how lost I feel. You were there when I needed guidance and now you're not, and it's throwing me for a loop. I feel disconnected from the world, like it's still spinning but here I am...standing in a pool of my own sadness. I don't want to feel this way, but I have absolutely no idea how to feel better.

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. I like to think you miss me too, but who knows if that's even possible. I miss our conversations, our inside jokes, our dinner dates, the songs we'd sing along to, the commercials we made fun of, and just how happy I was when you were around. I miss knowing someone was always there, someone who didn't judge me or look down on me. You were my inspiration to do great things, I wanted to make you proud to be in my life like I was proud to be in yours.

I wish I could tell you how much it hurts to hear people talk about you. It really doesn't matter who it is; your name always makes my chest ache. I know people try to avoid bringing you up around me but at some point, they're just going to stop trying. I can hardly even get on Facebook sometimes because I feel so many things when I see your face or hear your name. Of course, I feel sad but I'm also a little angry; angry because you're gone and there's nothing I can do and nothing I can say to make anything okay.

I wish I could tell you how unfamiliar everything feels. The places we went, moments we shared, every place I go that has some trace of you feels...different. It doesn't feel like it used to. There used to be so much more light in the walls and vibrancy to the colors, but now it all just seems so dull. Your personality and bright smile aren't there making things shine anymore.

I wish I could tell you I'm sorry. You know I have a lot of pride, but I mean it; I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the promises I made that I never got to keep. I'm sorry you and I aren't going to do all the awesome things we talked about. I'm sorry I'm going to have to create a life separate from the one we had together. I'm sorry.

I wish I could tell you about the things going on in my life. I wish I could sit down with you and just have hours of conversations about the people I'm interacting with, how I feel, the experiences I've had, and I wish you could give me feedback and laugh at all the weird things I've done and gotten into. No matter how bad I want to dial your number, I know you wouldn't pick up the phone if I called.

I wish I could tell you thank you. While we may not have known each other our entire lives, you made an impact on me. I feel like I'm more mature and a little less insecure because you saw the possibilities in me and helped me to see them in myself. I'm more experienced in life because you pushed me to go places and do things I was afraid to do. You made me a little less cynical and a bit more adventurous. You're always going to have a permanent place in my heart.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you. I do, more than I thought I ever could. I was so proud of the person you'd become, and I saw so much potential in you. You were the biggest light in my life, you made me feel wanted and needed; like someone was actually invested in me and my future. It's one of the things I could never forget. Love is one of those things that can traverse time, distance, and duration and my love for you is no exception.

I wish I could tell you goodbye. I may have made my peace for now, but I want an actual goodbye; a proper goodbye. One with tears, and hugs, and plenty of whispers of "I'm going to miss you."

But most of all, I wish I could tell you to come back...