You must think it is silly. I’m not a child anymore, yet my fear of darkness has followed me through adulthood. Some saw me as psychotic, crazy, irrational. I saw it as being afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, seeing as the darkness is just a concept due to the absence of light. Ever since I was a child, I had sleep paralysis. That was part of my childhood that I didn’t miss. Who could I have told? My parents wouldn’t have believed me; their room was connected to mine. Their existence was supposed to merely be enough to make me feel “safe”. I wasn’t supposed to have nightmares. I wasn’t supposed to be scared. They gave me a night light.
Fast forward to 15 years later, I’m now 22. The sleep paralysis went away, but something worse happened. Not only did I fear darkness, I feared death. For the past three years, I had three deaths in my family; my grandpa, my grandma, and my sister in law. I wished they could live forever, but I knew death was inevitable. I’ve thought about death every day since. I thought about my family dying, I thought about myself dying. My mind would scream the word, “dead, dead, dead”. At that point, I thought everyone was bound to die, and I just can’t accept it. I can’t accept that one day; we will be without the people we love.
Like any person who didn’t want to go to the doctor, or couldn’t go to the doctor, I decided to Google it. What I found was that I had both nyctophobia and thanatophobia. The term “nyctophobia” comes from the Greek word, “Nuktos”, meaning ‘night’. thanatophobia comes from the Greek word, “Thanato”, meaning ‘death’.
Common signs and symptoms of both nyctophobia and thanatophobia is heart palpitations, shivering or trembling, crying, shouting, difficulty in maintaining relationships, extreme avoidance, and difficulty of focusing and concentrating. It’s hard to function in your daily life, because the emotions and pains of the phobia become so immense and hard to manage. Constant worry and avoidance can lead to exhaustion both physically and mentally. Depression becomes common and it’s almost as if you spend your life being trapped instead of being lived. The thing is, I’m not trapped. I’m scared. I can’t be in a dark room by myself or in a house alone. I try hard to move on, but it feels I’m in a bright room, and I can’t walk out because I’m afraid of the darkness outside of that room.
But how does it really feel?
It feels like you aren't in control of your own feelings. It's draining. It's overwhelming. I cannot sleep unless I know someone else is awake. I cannot sleep unless I have a night light on. I cannot go a day without thinking about someone dying. I'm afraid to live my life and be open, because if something happens, I need to be here. I cannot walk in the night time unless there is someone on the phone with me. I cannot be home alone unless all the lights are on. There are times when I rush to wash my face, because closing my eyes for more than a few seconds makes me worried. I can't sleep facing my wall, I need to be facing my room. I am completely exhausted.
On the bright side...
You are not alone in your fears. Some of us may develop fears and get over it, while others may take a much longer time to get over it. Something I haven’t done was self medicate. I knew that if I suppressed my emotions with drugs, then it would be something I become dependent upon. I actually want to become a Substance Abuse Counselor, and sometimes I would counsel myself in my sleep. It doesn’t really help, since I don’t have knowledge of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is one form of therapy that is beneficial to treating phobias, by creating practical solutions or changing your thinking pattern.
Often times, we just fear what we cannot see. In the dark, our vision is nonexistent, and we cannot detect whom or what is around us. It is easier to be told to not let fear consume us, but actually opening yourself to allow it is what is difficult. The mind can be your biggest enemy sometimes. I cannot assure myself that there is nothing dangerous within the darkness. I cannot assure myself that nothing will happen to the ones I love. We shouldn’t minimize someone else’s phobia.
If you are afraid of the dark, relax with some herbal tea before you fall asleep. Put on some tranquil music before you sleep. Have night lights all around you. Meditate throughout the day. Practice mindfulness, and focus on your breathing. Even though we think that hiding under our blanket, or shortening our breath will protect us from whatever we think will get us, it won’t. Just breathe, relax, and let the time pass. Focus on yourself. Focus on your mind. Focus on your breathing.
Life is about finding balance: for every piece of darkness there is light, for every pain there is comfort. You would not know light if you had never experienced darkness, you would not know courage without having been afraid. If you learn to understand the feelings you experience rather than fear them, it will give you so much more power and control over your own mind and body. - Ayzee Kirchhofer
I've always thought of myself and those with phobias, as courageous. We manage to live through our fears daily, in hopes that it doesn't consume us. It is courageous to fix it on your own, it is courageous to seek help. Whatever the case may be, we are all courageous.
