One of the things I have struggled with the most in my life is finding a place where I have felt like I belonged. I have always felt like an outsider looking in on the world around me and it’s become something that I have found to be increasingly difficult to cope with as I’ve grown up. It’s also, up until now, one of my biggest and most hidden insecurities. I’ve really only shared this with a handful of my closest friends, although I’m confident a couple of people have been able to figure it out. However, I’m writing about it now and sharing this with you all because I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. There are others out there like me, or at least I hope there are, who will read this and know for a second that they aren’t as alone as they thought they were.
Have Your Voice Heard: Become an Odyssey Creator
Before I dive into this I need to stress something. My feelings of loneliness are self-perceived and self-instigated, which is just my way of saying that I know how I feel is not necessarily reality. However, I find the fact that my mind and my reality don’t match up to be even more disheartening. For as long as I can remember I can recall the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of never being understood, and the feeling of never being accepted. Whether or not the reality of those statements ring true is inconsequential because no matter what result related presented, my mind has always told me I am alone.
So let’s talk about this a little bit because I can already hear the sighs of disbelief coming from people who know me. I think one of the biggest misconceptions about how I feel is that on the surface everything seems fine so that means nothing is wrong. Those who know me would classify me as a pretty popular guy with a seemingly ever expanding friend group and they’d be totally right in their assessment. However, that’s the real curse I bear. Sure, I have a lot of friends but I find it nearly impossible to make deep and, in my mind, lasting relationships with them. When I hang out with my friends I always feel like the odd man out or the third wheel. Now that feeling isn’t isolated to one group of people but to any and all groups I’ve been in since I was little. I have never felt totally accepted or comfortable with my friends, even my closest ones. It’s something I want desperately but really can’t seem to find. I’ve never had THAT friend group. The one I feel at home in. Instead I drift from one to the other never quite belonging.
Have you ever looked down at your cell phone and realized you had no one to text because you don’t think anyone wants to talk to you? I have and I do almost all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I know that if I texted people they would answer. But, I never text people because I feel like a burden when I do. I feel like people merely put up with me sometimes. In fact, I actually feel the most alone when I’m with people. When I walk into a group of people I know, I feel more stranded than I did before. When I’m by myself I can justify the feeling of being alone because no one else is around me. But, in a group of people it becomes hard to deny that you don’t fit in or belong. A realization that is a little painful at times.
One of things I’ve asked myself at times is whether or not I’m broken. Logic would dictate I am, especially if I can walk into a room full of people and still feel utterly alone. But, I don’t think logic quite applies here. I can’t be broken because I know I’m not. Sure, maybe I’m a step off beat and maybe I won’t ever find my “group” but I sure won’t stop trying.
The only perceived positive thing that has come out of this is that it has quite literally shaped nearly everything I do. Along time ago I promised myself that I would make sure no one ever felt the same way that I do. This promise has led me to dedicate my life to others in the hopes I can show everyone in some way that they belong.
IF you take anything away from this I want you to take away the idea of kindness. We are all stuck in this world together and it’s never fun being alone. Next time you see someone eating alone go say hi, it could mean the world to them. Just be kind.
