Of course, first you visit McDonald's.

The poor thing is probably starving—who knows what those government agents have been feeding it?! And the golden arches are more iconic than that "Gateway to the West" in St. Louis. When the employees say the ice cream machine is broken, make sure you explain to your new alien friend that that's just part of the authentic McDonald's experience.

But if it asks you how the food is made, just shrug.

Take it to see Donald Trump.

"Take me to your leader," it'll demand. You'll go to the White House only to discover that Trump is at Mar-a-Lago. To console your disappointed alien, you let it look at the president's Twitter and watch a few YouTube videos of his rallies to get the gist of things.

"This is the leader who unites your people?" the alien asks.

"Well, there's someone else you should meet for that," you say.

Go meet Lil Nas X.

Expose your alien to every remix of "Old Town Road." Explain to it what music is and try to define the concept of a "meme." If it doesn't seem to be laughing or having a good time...

Binge every episode of "The Office."

Add the alien to your Netflix account and help it develop an understanding of human humor.

Read it "To Kill a Mockingbird."

It needs to be exposed to a classic of American literature, and you also need to find a way to educate it about mankind's faults. And we all had to read it in school too, so it needs to catch up.

Take it to a football game.

Your alien might be confused why some grown human men care so much about such a small object, but just buy it some more stadium nachos and hot dogs and tell it to just have fun watching.

Ice it.

It notices all the people drinking beer at the football game and observes how the drink is affecting their behavior. You explain what alcohol is, and it wants to try. You avail yourself of the opportunity to teach it a classic drinking game. It does not like it.

Buy it an iPhone.

Your alien notices you on your phone again and demands one of these human gadgets. You gift your new best friend its own iPhone and download all the essential apps: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, YouTube, even Tinder. Your alien ignores you for the next two hours to be on its phone.

After exploring Tinder for a minute, the alien asks you to explain the gender differences in your species. You try your best, but you know you've left some gaps. To help fill them, you go online and order a guide to help your new student out.

Give it American Girl's "The Care & Keeping of You."

You don't know if your alien has a gender, but this is the book by American Girl that almost every American girl received growing up, so it's another genuine and educational experience.

However, the alien is also amazed that something you ordered through the phone was able to arrive so quickly. It wants to try too. So...

Teach it how to online shop.

If it asks if it's possible to go somewhere yourself and get these items, just laugh and shake your head as though a child has just said something ridiculous to you.

Now your alien is tired, but there's still a lot to do. To help...

Go to Starbucks.

Explain to it that this juice made from beans will help it feel more awake and that waiting in line and overpaying for something you could have made at home is part of the process.