After you said goodbye, I felt for the first time my heart fall from my chest into my stomach. The heaviness was unbearable. It was as if my heart had gained 20 lbs and then nestled itself right next to the pit in my stomach.
After you said goodbye I cried for days on end…months, if I’m going to be honest. Sometimes I found it hard to remove myself from bed. Curled up in a ball seemed to be the only position that could comfortably support my heart's new home.
After you said goodbye, I asked you to just make it a see-you-later. For weeks I begged you to come back and rethink your decision. I wasn’t ready for you to throw us away, but you had already made your disposal.
After you said goodbye I temporarily lost myself in boys with mischievous eyes and cheap vodka. That pit in my stomach wasn’t going to go away itself. The vodka seemed to be the short-term remedy, while the mischievous boys made the weight of my heart heftier.
After you said goodbye, I decided to learn how to play tennis. Because mindlessly hitting balls across a court transiently removed thoughts of you. My instructor told me I was a natural. Little did he know, my ability came from pure ambition to keep you off of my mind.
After you said goodbye, the library became my favorite place to frequent. There was something about the loudness of the quiet that comforted me. In addition, the books and I shared a similarity. Our outer presence could not even begin to give away the stories we held inside.
After you said goodbye, I became spontaneous. For the first time in two years I was able to take impromptu trips with friends without consulting someone first. The cities I visited would never shine as bright as my eyes did for you, but I had to start somewhere.
After you said goodbye, I learned to love vegetables and skim milk. For months my body felt broken and now was the time to rebuild it. I never really took to kale or squash, and peas reminded me of your eyes. But I fell in love with carrots, edamame, and cauliflower.
After you said goodbye, my heart finally found it’s way back to my chest. It took a few detours and traffic prolonged it’s arrival, but all that mattered was that it was able to find its way back home.
After you said goodbye, the pit in my stomach vanished. I’m not sure if it was the endless slices of pizza from Monical's, the laughter with my best friends, or time that healed the wound. Some days I would feel the pit trying to resurface. Thankfully I had cupcakes on standby.
After you said goodbye I said hello to myself.
