The Honest Truth About Life After A Toxic Relationship

The Honest Truth About Life After A Toxic Relationship

Life will always go on.

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Most of the time people associate toxic relationships with weakness. Someone who is weak, someone who doesn't have enough self- respect to leave, and someone who tolerates a lot less than they deserve.

As someone who has lived through this type of relationship, I consider myself strong, not just for going through it but having the strength to leave it in the end. When looking back at the relationship, at first I felt cheated and used but now all I am is thankful. Thankful for the lessons it taught me, thankful for the strength I've gained from it and thankful that I was shown something so crucial.

Like anything, a person, whether that be a friendship or relationship, can become addicting in a way just like drugs or alcohol. It consumes you and becomes something you need to function. It's finding comfort in something that is destroying you.

My personal experience consisted of mind games and doubts and questioning every move I made and every word I said. It was making each other mad just because we could. It was fighting about almost every little thing or giving someone almost 100 chances, while barely giving others two. I could go on and on about it, but I won't.

How can a toxic standard be the one I had?

Here's the thing about these types of relationships, they aren't all bad and don't necessarily start out bad.

In fact, there was a lot of good in my experience. They were a person that I could go to if I was having a bad day and almost every conversation had the words I love you somewhere in them. It was simple looks that said everything that I wanted them to. I can honestly say that even with all the bad stuff I loved them. It was one that, looking back now, I'm glad happened because it set the template for all the good things I could want in a person. As crazy as that probably sounds.

Another thing to point out about these types of relationships is that the person doesn't just change overnight, it builds over time and often times you don't see it coming. That's probably the worst part.

It was only fairly recently though that I discovered the effects it left on me. In almost every one since then, I've looked for some part of the relationship. I've questioned people's moves and motivations for getting to know me, been nervous to say no or constantly have to make some big excuse to not do something just because I didn't want to do it, and even thought that it was normal to be treated that way. When finally, somewhere along the way, I realized that it wasn't normal.

Life after a toxic relationship is sort of like a recovery in a way.

You admit there is a problem and you fix it, you build yourself up in such a way that even when you're tempted you don't want it. Because you understand the effects it has on you. It doesn't come easy but once you do it, you don't know why you let it have the effect it did in the first place.

I think a part of me will always care for them to an extent and possibly look for some of their better qualities in others but the truth is I don't want them anymore. And there's a bittersweet moment that comes with that followed by a feeling overcome with peace in realizing it.

Be true to yourself in knowing what you need, but don't let that relationship cause you to have such terrible views of the rest of the world.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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11 Of The Biggest Tinder Red Flags All Single Women Need To Swipe Left On

The red flags a woman swiping for men shouldn't ignore when it comes to finding someone on Tinder.

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Ah yes, the magical non-dating application that seems to be the go-to for most college singles looking for amusement in their uneventful Saturday night scheme: Tinder. Foreign to those who choose to meet other people in real life as opposed to over the internet or through social media, Tinder is widely popular on most colleges campuses, though one doesn't have to be a university student to make an account. For the readers who are familiar with the swipes of the dismissive or approving nature, you know what I mean when I say that some Tinder accounts aren't "swipe right" worthy. For the woman seeking man on Tinder, these are the 11 biggest red flags.

1. Grammar mistakes

bye

A tale as old as time: being turned off by someone's grammar incompetence. Did he go to the seventh grade? Most likely. So really, this is just a lack of caring on his part. He doesn't care about wooing someone with his articulate dialect? Oh, okay. Swipe left.

2. Risky bio

what why

There are honestly a number of examples of the "risky bio." I once saw a bio that said, "I sell drugs." I'm not joking. Red flag.

3. Their first pic is of them flicking off the camera

bye

I'm personally offended by this man already. Swipe left.

4. The shirtless mirror pic

no

Glad he's confident, that's cool, really. But there's just something about the image of a man standing in front of his dirty bathroom mirror searching for the right angle that is so strange. Just thinking about the multiple attempts that picture could have taken irks me.

5. Boomerang video of them vaping

so hip

Does he still have one of those? Okay...First of all, if vaping is such a significant part of his life that he has to share it with the world, at least he could blow some O's or something, the video playing back-and-forth of that cloud he's blowing is of minimal difficulty. At least try to impress.

6. Boomerang video of them chugging a beer

This isn't Barstool, this is you (the swiper) deciding whether or not a guy worth possibly meeting out in the real world. And while I would be impressed, you don't really know how long it took him to finish chugging that beer. He could have taken minutes, or not even finished the whole thing. Swipe left.

7. Only one picture

scam

Okay, there's only one picture of him in his Tinder profile - this is obviously a catfish. I mean, maybe it isn't, but if you trust a one-pictured profile then you have bigger balls than I do. And if it indeed is not a catfish, you're dealing with a guy who believes there is only ONE picture of himself out there that could tempt a female to swipe right (an issue in itself).

8. The first picture is of their car

car

Do I even need to elaborate on why this is a red flag?

9. When they admit they aren't the age Tinder has them as

too old for this

Okay, so Tinder thinks he's nineteen but in his bio, he is literally admitting to not being the age he submitted. Like... what? Swipe left.

10.  No pictures of them (only their dog)

dog

Honestly, it's a decent strategy these men have until we realize that we just swiped right on a German Shepherd.

11.  They're wearing a U of L shirt

go big blue

The crimson of all red flags. Go cats.

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