For the longest time, I have always depended on a boy to make me feel worth something. I needed the compliments, the affection, and the attention. I looked for love from someone else because I didn’t love myself. For as long as I can remember, I have never been okay with myself. There was always something wrong. There was always something I needed to fix; I was never good enough. I have my flaws, and I know that. I struggle with mental illness, I get a little too crazy sometimes, I play my music too loud, and I am not always happy with my appearance. The only difference between now and then is that I have learned to accept all of my flaws. They are part of me. There is one more difference, tough, and that is that I have learned to love myself.

It took a boy. It took a boy to make me realize that I was living my life wrong. When I got to college, I was so excited that I had this clean slate. I couldn’t wait to make a new name for myself. There was so much drama and negativity centered around my life at home, and here I was, presented with an opportunity to create a life of positivity and happiness. The only thing is, I made no change. I met a boy, and he was cute and he was sweet and he made me feel special. When we were together the rest of the world ceased to exist. It was me and him and pure bliss.

I fell in love in the blink of an eye. I had never felt so alive. I had never felt so good about myself. There had never been a person that I just connected with so well. He was perfect and had no flaws. The best part was, I knew he loved me. I could feel it in the energy between us. I could feel it in every touch. I could feel it like I felt his smile against my lips between kisses. I knew he was as hopelessly in love as I was and it was beautiful.

Things changed, and they changed so fast. In one night our beautiful love turned into a beautiful tragedy. In one night this boy put me on a level that is lower than I have ever been. In one night I was turned to believe I was worthless. I was made to feel like I’m the most terrible kind of person. The boy who told me I was beautiful, smart, perfect, destined for great things, and that I had a heart of gold told me that I was heartless. I will still never understand how he perceived me as heartless when I poured all of my love and soul into “us.” But in that moment, I believed him. I believed I was so terrible that I deserved to be stood up and left.

I spent so many nights asking myself so many questions. What did I do? Why am I not good enough? Why is this happening to me? What went wrong? What can I change to make it better? Am I enough for anybody? Can anybody love me unconditionally? Some nights I was so blinded by pain and self-hatred that I could do nothing but lay in a heap on the floor and sob. Then I would cry all my tears and nothing would be left so I would sit on the floor and stare at anything and think of every single thing that was wrong with me.

My friends would worry when they hadn’t heard from me in days. They would come drag me out of my room. They’d put me in the car and I’d sit and stare out the window and not say much. I was pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. How could I let one person cause me so much pain? I realized I was so broken not because some boy decided that I wasn’t good enough, but because I didn’t love myself.

I never believed in the saying “nobody can love you if you can’t love yourself,” until now. There is so much truth behind that statement. How is somebody supposed to accept your flaws if you can’t? How is somebody supposed to be proud of you if you still feel like a failure with every accomplishment? How can you believe someone when they tell you that you’re beautiful if you think you’re ugly? The answer is, you can’t. You can’t give your all to someone if you don’t even have it for yourself.

I picked myself up off of the floor one day and went on a run. I thought it would get my mind off of him, but it didn’t. I thought about him and all of the horrible things he said to me and decided that I wanted to change. I realized on that run that depending on someone else for love and acceptance and worth is stupid and ignorant. A person should enhance who you are, not be the reason behind who you are.

On that run, the life I wanted to live became clear to me. I want to be able to depend on myself for everything I need. I want to push myself to be better for myself, not for someone else. I want to be happy with who I am and I want to feel like a good person because I think I am and not because someone said so. I want to be healthier because I need to, not because somebody else wants me to. I want to do good in school to have an amazing life, not to impress someone. I want to lay down to sleep at night and feel content with myself on my own.

Now I have my flaws and I am not interested in changing them. They are a part of who I am and who I am is something I will never change. Now, instead of being embarrassed about them, I accept them and I embrace them. My friends and family love me despite them, so why shouldn’t I?

There are so many incredible people in my life that would do anything for me and I just want to thank them. I want to thank them for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself -- and when a stupid boy wouldn’t believe in me. I want to thank them for all of the support they give me every single day, even when they don’t realize that they are.

Most of all, I would like to thank the boy who broke my heart. Because of you, I realized that I was wrong. I realized that I don’t need somebody to make me feel worthy. I am worthy. Most of all, I am happy. Just because I am happy doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache at our lost love. I’m sure that if someone asked you if you ever loved me, you would say no. But I know that you loved me and it was incredible.

Maybe you still love me, but now all I can do, and all I want to do, is look back on those days and remember that feeling and smile. Our relationship taught me so many things. I have learned so many important lessons and have grown so much because of it. If I had to go back, I don’t think I’d do anything differently. I wouldn’t give up the way I feel right now for the world. So, thank you for breaking my heart so I could find myself.