I am you. I have always been you. Ever since I was teased on the playground in 5th grade to the current point that I am at in my life where bullies can be disguised as friends and mean words can feel more like daggers.
I know the responsibility that you feel to absorb everything, especially all of the bad that surrounds the lives of the ones you love and yourself.
I know how easy it is to let the terrible situations of life consume you until your body becomes it's own coping mechanism. I know the struggles of finding ways to mask the pain, putting on your award winning smile to show your family, friends, and the world that you are always alright and never effected by other's actions. I know how it feels to lie to the faces of the ones that you love. It is not a selfish lie to protect your own well-being, but a lie to keep everything and everyone in your life in a constant state of happiness so that they don't end up like you. Emotionless.
I know that you don't consider yourself to be an emotionally stable person one hundred percent of the time, but I also know that you don't seek help where it is needed. When you are at a loss and need someone to turn to you always confide in yourself, because the only person who has ever understood what is going on in your life, is the one who stares back at you when you look into the mirror.
I know the feeling of having tangled insides. Overlapping fears combined with painful words and thoughts that leave your insides in shambles. You project your outside to be well mannered and gleaming with happiness while your insides are show the exact opposite.
I know how easy it is to be nice to the people who continually hurt us over and over again. I know how easy it is to accept them back into our lives even though we are aware of the pain and evil that they may bring with them. They are a vicious cycle but you cannot seem to let them go.
I know how easy it is to finally explode. To have all of your anger and desperation finally be unleashed. It feels like you have finally opened up the floodgates and all the holding back that you've been doing for a long long time has no choice but to leave your body, for it cannot stay pent up forever. I know how people will think you are crazy, but when you finally reach your breaking point you have no other choice.
I know how easy it is for other people to never understand nor ever try to understand us. We are unique people who don't like to bother others so we prefer to keep our problems to ourselves. We consider our issues an inconvenience to others.
All we really want is for someone to look past our outside. Look behind our smile or positive words and dig deeper to find out how we are really doing.
My advice to you is when you find someone who is willing to look past your surface and see you for your true self, do not ever let them go. It is okay to pour your heart out to someone, they will not leave you, they will only love you more. You will never find true happiness until you stop absorbing every pain that everyone you love has ever felt.
