College is the best time of your life. Finally free of parental reign, you can make your own rules and do whatever your little heart desires -- and, inescapably, suffer the consequences. The 4 years you spend as an undergrad somewhat resembles puberty, in the sense that it's a period of time designated for an awkward transition in life. This is when you leave the innocence of co-ed sleepovers behind in your childhood, and enter the dirty world of adulthood. Thanks to college, 'innocent' and 'dirty' combine to form an inevitable grey area of uncomfortable situations.
Hollywood molds your mind for 18 years before you are able to experiment with mature relationships and ultimately separate perception from reality. If you are looking forward to passionate evenings with beautiful men, and waking up to 'good morning' kisses with the smell of breakfast cooking on the stove -- here's your reality check.
1. Hot and heavy.
Four minutes later...
2. Reflection period.
Well, that fell a little short of 'passionate.' Whatever. No regrets, right? Wait, definitely regrets. This means you have to add a number -- a number of no significance. It's just there haunting you, reminding you of your poor decisions in life. Maybe you just shouldn't count it. I mean, technically you don't have to. Cool, let's go with that plan.
3. Do you have any snacks?
Your stomach starts grumbling. There is no way you'll be able to fall asleep with how hungry you are. You wonder if he's hungry too. He's awkwardly still scrolling through Instagram. Maybe if a picture of food comes up, make a casual comment about it: "Wow, that looks really good. I really wish I had some of that. You gotta love food, am I right?" Yeah, that should work.
4. Sweet dreams.
Still awkwardly laying next to each other with your hands by your sides, he begins to fall asleep. That's annoying -- why wouldn't he want to cuddle? F*ck it, you take initiative and make moves. With your head on his chest and your right arm and leg peacefully snuggled against him, he doesn't move a muscle. OK, why hasn't he acknowledged your loving touch? No human can comfortably sleep with both of their hands interlocked over their head. Just turn around; your face is getting sweaty, anyways. Douche.
5. Rise and shine.
Aw, you wake up as little spoon; maybe he's not a douche after all. You realize you only have one sock on. Your cold, bare foot feels so vulnerable. You glance over at him and realize: WOW, he looked a lot different last night! That's uncomfortable. You also feel a strange, poking sensation in your back.
6. Alert and aware.
He whispers "good morning" in his sexy morning man-voice. But wait, what's that smell? The kid's morning breath is out of control. You feel a tear roll down your cheek. Oh no. He's making moves. HONEY, retreat back to your side of the bed. Who does he think he is? There is no room for him in your personal bubble.
7. The escape.
He just rolled over and went back to bed. This is your moment. Out of the 20 people you just texted, someone has to be awake who could come pick you up. In a hurry, you leave your lonely sock, lost amongst his sheets, to fend for itself.
8. Friendly reminders.
It has been a week since your sleepover. You're bored. You wonder, "would it be too aggressive to text him?" It's only 2 AM; people have casual conversations at 2 AM all the time. Oh look, he texted back!
"Who is this?"
