Did you know that one unpeeled apple is 80 calories? Did you know that you burn more calories chewing celery than you are in taking? Did you know when you eat again after starving yourself it hurts?
I shouldn’t look at food and automatically register it at a caloric number. However, I will most likely live the rest of my life with this knowledge and more. That is the everyday life of a recovering anorexic.
When I was a freshman in high school my anorexia first arose. After a bully called me names which related to my weight (even though I only weighed 125 at the time) I first started to lie about eating to those closest to me. I used to skip breakfast, only pick at my lunch, go to sports practice and burn more calories than I had eaten that day, then I would eat a full dinner and feel crippling guilt after. This went on for months.
Once I was away from some of the toxic people in my life, I slowly felt better about my weight and started eating again. I never considered that I had a problem or that it would come back.
My senior year of high school things started to spiral downward again. I was constantly worried about my future and college, I had toxic people back in my life, and I felt overwhelmed and out of control. So, I took control of the one thing that I felt I could – my eating.
I lost a lot of weight, but the worst part was hardly anyone noticed. I still had the small group of friends who knew about my eating problems my freshman year, but none of them gave my excessive weight loss a second glace. I tested my theory and purposely made it obvious that I wasn’t eating lunches and that I would loudly deny food, but still no one noticed. This only made me feel worse about myself and made me want to be even more drastic with my choices.
In February 2015 I hit my breaking point. I was about to leave the country with my class for our senior trip and I knew I had to get myself together. I knew that I couldn’t faint in a foreign country from something so controllable. But I still felt that I had no control over myself.
When we were on the trip, we volunteered at an orphanage. I saw small children, who had done nothing to deserve such a hard life, not know when their next meal would be. I couldn’t keep being so selfish, so self-destructive, I was the most toxic person in my life.
The last night we were on the trip I told myself I would get clean. We were sitting at a bonfire and I decided enough was enough, but I knew it wasn’t that simple. I knew that I would have good days and bad days and it would be a long process of recovery. I knew that… but I wanted to try, for myself.
The first weeks are the hardest, watching myself gain back the weight I thought I was fighting so hard to lose. Watching my face fill out more and more every day. Realizing I might have to go up a size or two in some clothes and remembering that is okay now. But after those few weeks it gets better.
Soon, I was able to eat in front of my friends again. I would go to lunch and not sit in shame. And soon, I could talk about it.
After six months, it got a little bet hard again. I started to miss it. I wanted to count the calories in lemon water again for no real reason except it used to be such a huge part of me. So, I started to count calories again, except I let myself count a healthy amount each and every day.
Today, I have been clean for over a year. I still have good and bad days. I still have a little voice in the back of my head telling me every meal that I shouldn’t eat that. But I’ve learned to put that voice away, and to turn down it’s volume so it is drown out by the laughter of my friends or the happy thoughts I’m have with family.
“I know it isn’t easy, but it is possible. You can do it. I believe in you, even if you don’t believe in yourself.” That is the quote that was said to me that made me try to get clean, and it worked. If you are having the same struggles, please know that it won’t be easy, but it is possible. And that you can do it, and I believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself.
