"I'm so stupid. I'm the worst. I hate myself."

Recently, I've realized that I say things to myself, often times out loud, that I would not say to someone I love. I'll make a joke or observation, I'll trip over nothing or stumble over some words, I'll get someone's name wrong or interrupt a friend in the middle of their thought and I'll be wrong and it'll embarrass me. I'll blush and look down and feel ashamed, and in order to cope for it, I'll whisper awful words to myself.

I'm not entirely sure when it all started. Sly comments and unnecessarily harsh observations. But I noticed it recently and wondered why it was. I wondered why the 'cool' thing to do in our culture is to be self-deprecating. It's as though confidence is confused with pride, and positive self-esteem is mistaken as vanity. But imagine changing those words, imagining accepting your awkwardness and laughing with yourself instead of at yourself.

So I tried to change, and it wasn't easy, and it hasn't been that long, but I am noticing a difference.

I changed the words I told to myself. When I made a joke that no one laughed at or got an answer wrong in class, instead of saying, "I hate myself," I would say "I tried." Or maybe I would say, "It's fine, I'll get it right next time," or "Next time there will be a bigger laugh." It's always important to remind yourself that you're not stupid. So what if no one got the joke -- humor isn't universal, not everyone laughs at the same thing. And you got the answer wrong? Well, intelligence grows from mistakes, from learning the information the hard way, a memorable way.

Instead of saying, "I'm the worst" when tripping over nothing or mispronouncing a word, I would say, "I'm the best version of me today." Yeah it's a mouth-full, yeah it's kind of egotistical, but it's important because constantly believing that you're the worst type of person there is does not allow you to the type of person you want to be. Believing that you are not good will not allow you to truly make a positive impact.

And for the times I said, "I hate myself" I would make sure to take it back. I would tell myself that I am lovely, that I am not worth hate, that I am human and that being alive was something worth applauding. In the end, the longest relationship you have in this life is the one you have with yourself, so why make it unhealthy?

It is hard, to stop hurting yourself, to stop hating yourself (even if it's just a joke), but it's important to stop; because once you learn to love yourself, that's when life really gets exciting.