Many of us have heard this quote from Stephen Chbosky’s “The Perks of Being a Wallflower.” The first time I heard it (out of its intended context, because I’ve never seen the film)…it really struck me.
Something that I’ve learned about myself over the course of this past year, is that I don’t always demand or expect what I should while interacting with people that I care for. I accept love that is disproportional to what I know I deserve. For example, if someone that I’m seeing ignores me at a party, or bails on plans that I was really looking forward to -- I let it slide. I ignore the pit in my stomach, place a smile on my face, and act as though I don’t care.
This does a disservice to both myself and the other person. It’s unfair to them because it’s not honest communication. How can I expect them to act differently if they don’t know how I feel in the first place? But for the most part, accepting love that -- at my core -- I know I don’t deserve, is strenuous on my own soul.
I so wish to be like one of women that I’m lucky enough to call my friends. Because they are courageous enough to not only see the signs of unfair treatment or unequal effort, but to actually do something about it. If the boy that they are seeing were to bail on them last minute, I know women that could delete his number and think to themselves, “Oh well, it’s his loss.”
Because that’s really the hardest part, isn’t it? It’s not hard to know when something's wrong, it’s hard to stand up and do something about it. And that is where Chbosky’s quote comes in. Maybe some of us don’t act on our observations because of an inherent fear that he is the best that we can get. We don't think that we deserve better, so we take what we are given. And it's kind of devastating that we feel like that. To accept the cancellations, the radio silence, and the anxiety inducing uncertainty -- all because we don’t trust ourselves to snag someone who will treat us with mutual kindness. Devastating.
As devastating as that unhealthy thought process may be though, I think it’s just a part of growing up. The more unsure we are of ourselves… the more skeptical we will be of peoples’ affection towards us. The more time you have to get comfortable in your own skin, the more certain you will become of how you deserve to be treated.
In the end -- no matter where you end up -- you deserve to feel like an enhancement to the life of your significant other, and never a burden. You are worth time and energy and, after a few "educational" relationships, accepting minimal effort will seem crazy. It just takes trial, error, and the crossing of paths with a few jerks along the way.
So in conclusion to this very personal article, my honest thoughts about the quote, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” are that I am really, really struggling with it. I'm struggling to be picky on the acceptance part. But I trust that with time and experience, I will start to allow love into my life only when it is equal to the love that I give. I hope that you do the same.
