I've never been able to cope with stress and anxiety well. When something isn't going or hasn't gone exactly perfect or well planned out, I freak out and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I've always been like this, for I can't think of a time where I didn't react like this to situations.

So it was no surprise that when I got into a car accident yesterday without my knowledge, my reaction was everything but calm, cool, and collected. As I'm writing this, I still can't believe what happened to me was real.

I keep telling myself, "it's real, it happened, its time to accept it and move on." But that is definitely easier said than done.

You see, a little over a year ago I was diagnosed by a neurologist with epilepsy and my whole world was completely turned upside down. I was at home studying for an exam on the couch when all of a sudden there were volunteer firemen and EMTs standing in my living room, staring at me. "What happened? Why are you in my house? Is my dad okay? WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" I remember saying at that point. My dad, who was standing next to me, told me that I just had a seizure and he witnessed the whole thing. He was pretty torn up about it, since I'm his little girl and his "boogie". I was put into an ambulance and taken to a hospital where I stayed for 24 hours. I had never had a seizure before. I'll never forget that night because it changed my life, and not in a good way. I was given anti-seizure drugs and told to deal with it. Deal with being diagnosed with a disability, deal with not being able to be behind a wheel for 6 months, deal with people giving me sympathy wherever I went. I went home and it was no surprise when I had another one 4 months later. But this one was different because I was asleep when it happened. I woke up on the floor the next morning with a whole in my cheek because I had bit it while I had the seizure.

I went a whole year without another seizure.

Until yesterday.

I thought everything was going so well in my life I was in college and finally picked a major I knew I would be happy with. I just got a part time job where I felt accepted and enjoyed going to every day. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love with my whole heart and supports me in everything I do. I have an amazing family and my birthday is in a month. What else could a girl want?

But I guess everything was going TOO well for me, because God decided to throw a curveball my way.

All I remember is turning off of Bancroft st. onto Secor rd. and then the next thing I know, a car horn is beeping and my airbags in my car were on my lap. My steering wheel was busted and my windows were down. There was a guy on the side of the street taking a picture of my car and I didnt know why. I yelled to him out the window, "Sir? What happened?" HIs response: "Well it looks like you hit a couple cars. You must have blacked out or something."

What?

I was so confused. Why are my airbags out? Why am I sitting in my car stopped in the street? Why can't I remember what happened? I called my dad on the phone and, while hysterically crying, told him that I was in an accident and I didn't know what had happened. After he told me he was on his way, I left a message on my boyfriend's phone saying the same thing. I climbed out the passenger side door and started asking the people around me what had happened. Their responses left me shocked and, quite frankly, embarrassed. I had hit 2 cars from behind and backed into another. The worst part though?

I don't remember a damn thing.

Thankfully, the other occupants of the cars were super nice to me after I explained I had epilepsy and couldn't remember what had happened. The police officers were very comforting with me and I was so glad I hadn't hurt anyone. My dad, brother, and boyfriend arrived and I couldn't help but sob into their arms. I couldn't believe this had just happened and I couldn't wrap my head around it. The truth was simple: I had a seizure while driving.

But you know what isn't simple?

Accepting the fact that things could have been worse where I injured someone is something that is still on my mind. I got lucky this time, but what if this happens again? What if I'm driving with other people in the car and I have a seizure? What if I'm on the freeway, going 75 mph, and I lose consciousness and kill someone in another car?

I'm wondering whether I should ever drive again. Truthfully, I'm scared to be behind the wheel. I'm not very concerned about my well being, but I could never forgive myself if someone got hurt or killed because of me. But if I don't drive again, I'll have to rely on other people for the rest of my life to get me to where I need to be. It stresses me out and makes me feel like a burden and inconvenience. I'm very independent and depending on another person is detrimental.

I don't think I'll ever fully recover from this. I'm trying to make everyone think that I'm dealing with it pretty well, but inside, I'm heartbroken. I woke up this morning and for a moment I didn't realize what had happened. Then it hit me and I broke down. I had never had suicidal thoughts until this morning. I always thought that there could never be something that would make me want to no longer live. I had those thoughts for a few minutes, but quickly pushed it aside after I told my boyfriend what I was thinking and he begged me not to think like that.

So here I am, more than 24 hours later, still thinking everything that happened wasn't real. It feels like a dream. a horrible dream that I can't wake up from.

I don't know how I'll feel in a few days, but I hope I'll feel better than I do at this moment.